Cousin gassed the sheriff, but didn't gas no deputy

Cousin Mooseknuckle just barely dodged some serious charges while traveling through West Virginia.

How to write right

I just bought this book for all my coworkers. At $17.83 Canadian a copy, it's a steal.

Containers

Dude, Flounder hides his sandwiches in a type-checked variadic heterogenous container.

Hockey Foosball

It's not hockey foosball! What the fuck? What is hockey foosball?

Be careful of this new scam email

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

Next Stop: Uruguay

Dude, once I get back from wherever the fuck I am now, I'm planning a trip to Uruguay. They're really into sandwiches there.

Also, my new Uruguayan buddy Chilean Seabass said they're really into watercress sandwiches there. That sounds fucking sweet.

If me and that hottie running for VP ever had a kid

We'd have to name it Mustache Warthog Palin.

Oh, and Canada totally has more moose than Alaska. Dude. And I like hockey.
She'd totally be into me.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 6

Dude, I'm in Amsterdam today. Jodie and I decided to go because we're into fuckin' windmills and wooden shoes and canals and hookers and tulips and all that shit. Especially the tulips. We go fucking nuts for tulips.

After we got in and went to a little cafe next to our hotel. The dude there asked if we wanted to see the special sandwich menu. I thought his english must not have been good, because no fucking way a cafe would sell sandwiches like out in the open, but I said sure. To make a long story short:

Dude!

Dude!

Fucking sandwiches are fucking legal here!

Dude!

Fuck the windmills.

And the tulips.

Dog taking a dump pattern

DUDE.

I need the Mac VPN client really quickly. I forgot about the free sandwich coupons I have in an email I sent to my work address. I need the Cisco VPN client ASAP. Can Anyone help me? I already asked some douche at work but he said "FUCK OFF. WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THIS BEFORE NOW"

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 10

Dude. I must have eaten way too many of those fancy Frenchie sandwiches (they call them "les baguettes") last night, because apparently I'm in Texas today and a hurricane is about to hit. Fuck you, hurricane. I don't know what the big deal is about them. CNN got a quote from me, but they got my fucking name wrong. Fuck you, CNN.

He told the paper he could walk or kayak out if necessary. "It's just water, man.''

Update: Fuck You Jaunty Jackalope

Flounder explained to me that a jackalope isn't a jackrabbit-cantaloupe mix. I don't know what I was thinking.

It's actually what I did when I married Jodie: drank a fifth of Jack Daniels and then eloped.

Actually, mine was more a jackandmolsonelope, but who's counting.

It was pretty fucking jaunty, though.

Fuck You Jaunty Jackalope

I finally figured out what a jaunty jackalope is. It's a cross between a jack-rabbit and a cantaloupe.

Dude. You'd think the rabbit would try to eat itself because it was a really sweet looking cantaloupe.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 9

Still in Paris. I finally shook that Moose Haddock character, but now Haddock's French uncle, L'haddock, is following me:

VG Baby

While all the fuckers at work were busy talking about Apple and how sickly Steve Jobs looked, I made a play to make some big money off of VG. I just dropped my earnings from selling my Ibex to the local butcher and put all of it on a out-of-the-money bull-put on them.

Dude.

Overnight, I'll be able to make 10 Ibexes from 1.

Oh, and fuck you, Mr Jaunty Jackalope.

The Fuckers at Canonical

Fuck you guys, you can't fool me. There's no way you're calling the next Ubuntu "Jaunty Jackalope." And you jumped the gun: Canadian April Fool's isn't until tomorrow.

http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080908-ubuntu-9-04-to-be-called-jaunty-jackalope.html

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 8

Dude. I was fucking losing my shit yesterday over the whole Charlie thing, and after searching for an hour I finally had to come clean to Jodie, who reminded me we had left Charlie with Uncle Moose back in Fish Nuts, Ontario.

That's a fucking relief, let me tell you.

And after I had a couple cool-down sandwiches (they call them "les sandwiches" here), I realized it's probably just as well we didn't take him to "Gay Paris." Not that there's anything wrong with that. My good friend Rainbow Trout is gay. Dude, I'm all for the gays. But I'd like him to be able to continue the grand Baker tradition of knocking a girl up before you marry her.

Stock Tip

I've been skeptical about GOOG, but I really like the price. I suggest you buy at least an eighth.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 7

Dude, I was so busy with my new Ibex I forgot to have my usual sandwiches (breakfast sandwich, second breakfast sandwich, elevenses sandwich, lunch sandwich, after-pancho sandwich, tea sandwich, amuse bouche sandwich, supper sandwich, dessert sandwich, midnight snack sandwich). So I actually know where I am today: Paris, France. In your face, blog readers!

Anyway, it's cool here and ...

Dude! Where the fuck is Charlie?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Did I leave him in the airport?

Dude.

Ok, Baker, think. Where did you last see him. I put him on the wild moose to take a picture. I drank him under the table in our Molson drinking contest. I helped him recompile his kernel with wobbly windows. And then... fuck fuck fuck.

Dude, if anyone sees him, let me know. And don't tell Jodie about this. She'll take away my fucking Ibex if she finds out.

The Fuckers at Work

The fuckers at work lied to me and said the Ibex would be released in 22 days. Some asswipe even put up a ticker on our wiki home page. But this site clearly says it's not going to be until October 29 (Canadian Halloween), which is an order of magnitude longer.

Whatever fucker put that up should get fired for disrespecting the Ibex. Here in Canada, we call that shouting aboot in a crowded hockey stadium.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 4: Special Ibex Update Edition

Dude.

I got the fucking Ibex.

Dude.

The fuckers at work

Dude. The fuckers back at work have been emailing me non-stop. Telling me that Buckhorn is now serving burgers. That's mooseshit! I fuckin' took time out of my ibex hunt to go look up the menu online, and it's not there.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 3

Dude!

Dude!

I thought the Ibex was still 26 days away, but, dude! Jodie got me the fucking best Canadian Christmas (which falls on September 5 this year) gift ever. Dude! A fucking Ibex Hunt! And it even includes sandwiches! Dude!

Meals consist of hot meals for breakfast and dinner, sandwiches, snacks and drinks for lunch.

Dude!

It's in the Canadian province of Kyrgyzstan, which is next to Nunavit. I think.

Dude!

I bagged myself a 64-bit Ibex and still had time for a sandwich.

Dude.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 2

Dude, I guess I'm in Canada today. Which is fucking awful, because Grandma is also in Canada, and now I know she reads my blog.

She showed up at our hotel and said "It's two and one seconds 'til". I said "Two and one seconds 'til what?" and then she roundhouse kicked me in the face.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 1

Dude. All I remember is having an extra fat sandwich in the hot tub to calm my nerves for something, and then I woke up this morning and I was definitely not in Glen Park. Seriously, dude, where the fuck am I?

It must be Canada, because instead of Haddock, now I'm getting chased by this hoser: