Thanks for the Cookies

Eating them while I ride around death valley on my latest invention.

Super Haxor h@DD0kk

The worst restaurant in the world

Dude, I fucking hate IHOP. It's crazy expensive, and the service is bad, and the name is totally pretentious.

Best Idea Ever

Eating all that sandwich got us hungry, and we started thinking about what would be the best thing ever to eat.

And there's nothing better than a huge bowl of poutine. Good thing the Canadian Broadcast Centre is holding a Poutine Party. We've decided to stop there on the way to Detroit.

ooooh its gonna be so good. dumdeedumdeedum.

Sidetracked in Northern California

We were well on our way to Detroit when Flounder said we had to make a pit stop for a sandwich break.

Dude. I can't even see straight right now. I'm impressived that I can blog.

Dooo deeee dooo doo!

Is this dude trash talking the Gibbon?

This guy says that the Gibbon is like Obama. I've lived in this country for fucking forever now, but I still don't understand the "president" concept. Best I can figure out, it's like the Queen only there's some kind of voting that happens. I gather this "Obama" guy wants to be the new Queen of America, but that sounds like a pretty stupid idea because, dude, a guy as your Queen? So I don't know if that guy is disrespecting the Gibbon or not.

Heading to Detroit

Believe it or not, Detroit is not officially part of Canada, despite our best efforts and the continual winning by the Red Wings. I'm going there this week with a couple of the fellers from my hockey team to eat this burger.

Fake Gary will never be a Master of the Universe

Haddock here, and I just wanted to let Fake Gary know that he will never be a Master of the Universe. My brother is already a Master of the Universe, and he will do everything in his awesome power to ensure that Fake Gary never ascends to the throne of Castle Greyskull.

Also, what kind of a Master of the Universe name is "Fake Gary"? Maybe Flound-Or could make it, but Fake Gary has no chance.

Master of the Universe

I've spent Canadian American President's day by getting my paperwork all finished and applying to officially be an Ubuntu MOTU. Flounder says if I can be a Master of the Universe and Multiverse, Haddock will finally have to respect my l337 skillz.

For once, Haddock is right

The title of your blog says it all Haddock dude.

Make up your fucking minds

We all know Gibbon Heron edition comes out soon. Next up is Gibbon Heron Edition Service Pack Ibex. That's a mouthful. The people who give us freedom on a disk decided to come up with a short name. Only problem is they keep changing it every 3 seconds or something. Fucking douches. Have a look for yourself.

JTCFY

Dude, there are a bunch of lazy fuckers here that don't want to fix their tij. Whenever I see that, I tell them JTCFY (Just Fix The Fucking Tij).

Haddock: 1, Canada: 0

Hey fake Gary, I built something taller than your weak CN Tower in my back yard. And it doesn't cost CN$15 to go to the top, either:

                         _                      
 ____  _ _ __  ___ _ _  | |_ _____ __ _____ _ _ 
(_-< || | '_ \/ -_) '_| |  _/ _ \ V  V / -_) '_|
/__/\_,_| .__/\___|_|    \__\___/\_/\_/\___|_|  
        |_|                                     
 _              __        _            _    _         _   
| |_  __ ___ __/  \ _ _  | |_  __ _ __| |__| |___  __| |__
| ' \/ _` \ \ / () | '_| | ' \/ _` / _` / _` / _ \/ _| / /
|_||_\__,_/_\_\\__/|_|   |_||_\__,_\__,_\__,_\___/\__|_\_\
                                                          

Haddock is here again

Hello Gary. I have been busy. Been working on some new bikes, but I also got back into the ASCII art scene with this creation.

  /\  /\__ _  __| | __| | ___   ___| | __
 / /_/ / _` |/ _` |/ _` |/ _ \ / __| |/ /
/ __  / (_| | (_| | (_| | (_) | (__|   < 
\/ /_/ \__,_|\__,_|\__,_|\___/ \___|_|\_\ 

Not looking forward to July

The douche who sits near me takes this very seriously.

New rules for Charlie's college fund

That fucking swear jar was killing me. I have a new system in place. In order to get his college funds into that fucking jar Charlie has to mail in the barcodes from his diapers. We now have an upper limit of funds and if Charlie fails to meet the criteria each quarter then tough fucking tij. Ate a Cockroach Tikka Masala and used too many diapers in a day? Sorry Chaz. Constipated? Then I luck out in two ways, Chazza boy.

Charlie: if you are reading this, sorry dude, but I need to eat.

World's Best Magazines

Here's another list for you fuckers: the world's best magazines

1. Hockey Times
2. Hockey News
3. Hockey Times-News
4. New Hockey Times
5. Moose Fancy
...
49,999. Tij Illustrated
50,000. Forbes

Bah.

Fucking Yank Propaganda

The fucking yanks still refuse to acknowledge the CN Tower. It's a fucking outrage. How would they like it if I published this list of the world's largest countries?

1. Canada
2. Northwest Territory, Canada
3. Montreal's Meat Smoker
4. Russia
5. China
6. Fucking Mexico or some shit
7. Not the US

Take that, bitches.

Coming in to work early

I just did one of these. Tillie is hiding under the couch.

Damn fucking right

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/02/11/63-expensive-sandwiches/

Cheap, good sandwiches are better of course

Sandwiches Just Got Better

Holy shit dude. Makes all the 'tij in life go away.

http://bacon.frymybacon.com/2007/11/28/sandwiches-just-got-better/

Why does Canada rule?

A lot of my readers ask me this question. The simple answer is: Canadian Valentine's Day. We celebrate it on February 15th (using the American Calendar of course). That means I can buy discounted chocolates, cards and all that other 'tij you are supposed to buy. Even flowers. Sure they are a day old, but who gives a crap anyway?

Note: If you are reading this and you are married to me, I didn't post this. That bastard Haddock is at it again. Honest.

All figured out

I made a spreadsheet in an attempt to work out how many words I should post in order to hopefully hit the sweet spot (18) in the next hour.

\\moorea\Departments\Development\blah\fakegary\fakegary.xls

You should edit the values in cells A2,A3,A4,A5, and A6 to be correct for you.

More on Prime Numbers

I tried a few things in Open Office Gibbon Edition. I tried to use Google Docs, but let's be honest, their business model sucks so much ass.

The Open Office 'interesting prime numbers' macro suggested the following:

• 82 - yes that one is good. But it is below 100. So it is a bit stale if you ask me.
• 333 - That one is a thing of beauty. It looks so pretty when you write in down. But I know the Gibbon could do better
• 4096 - BAH. Old hat. Seen you before. Don't let me down Gibbon.
• 3.14159 - WTF? There is more to this prime than just those digits to the right of the decimal point.
• 1048576 - Jackpot. This prime proves why Open Source beats the Man every time.

Gibbon I Love You on this Canadian Valentine's Day

Fuck

Fuck Fuck Fuck. I got so steamed in that last post that I fucking blew through my words. There goes Charlie's college fund. I need to work up some kind of a spreadsheet so I can figure how many words I get to use in each post.

New Posting Policy

bought blocks of words per hour that work like cell phone minutes. So if you don't post enough words in that hour, you've pissed away your unused words, and if you post too many, you get slapped with fucking outrageous word overage charges.

It fucking steams me.

New Posting Policy

licensing charges by the word (it's Totally Free for the server and $1 per word posted), and we

New Posting Policy

post at least fifteen words per hour, but no more than twenty. This is because the SharePoint

New Posting Policy

Bah. Because of the new posting policy, I can't write this whole post right now. I need to

Traitor

You will still be remembered for your many accomplishments in film and TV but you are a traitor to your country and un-Canadian. I bet you don't even know when the Queen's birthday is.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080214/people_nm/france_nude_seals_dc_2;_ylt=AsgaG279k5uWPek3AuccjwEE1vAI

I changed my mind again

2 is the most interesting prime number. It is the only prime that is an even number. There might be more even primes out there but even the biggest beowulf gibbon cluster hasn't found them yet.

Never fly to Tijuana

The airport is tij. Literally.

Some clarification about that UFO post

Some of my readers got confused about the UFO term because I was also talking about hot tubs. I am talking about Unidentified Flying Objects not Unidentified Floating Objects.

Updated: Prime Numbers

Actually, 5 is pretty interesting too.

Prime Numbers

7 is the first interesting prime. 2,3, and 5 are boring.

UFO sighting

After the hockey game tonight I invited Baz, Daz, Paz, Gaz (wait that's me) and Flounder back to soothe their compound fractures in the hot tub. We saw a fucking UFO dude. It approached us from the general direction of SFO, flew over the house and over to Twin Peaks. It was amazing. It was long, with two things sticking out the side. I saw a marking on the end of it. I mocked it up here.

Then I got thinking. There are many things in life that are total 'tij, but the following must rank somewhere at the top:

1. SETI@Home is fucking bullshit. They haven't found shit.
2. The production servers must have idle cycles
3. When you drop a sandwich in the hot tub, it just breaks your heart

I can fix 1. and 2. And for 3. I just need to be careful. As of today I am announcing SETI@Work. I just checked in the first pass. We need to find those bastards that buzzed my house tonight. We could be friends I am sure. Just look at Flounder and Haddock.

Holy Shit

I just tried this:

Open up any one of my classes in IntelliJ. Make a Sandwich. Start up Dark Side Of The Uke on your 8 track. They are in perfect sync with each other. The way the intro of 'Time' lines up with a synchronized block blew my fucking mind.

Flounder doesn't believe me. His classes just say "Paul is Dead" when you read them backwards.

Fucking Fuck Fuck

Hey that's silly.

This is such a mindfuck.

Fucking fuck. Fuck.

Graffitij

Dude, I found this fucking graffitij on my sidebar:

VOTE HADDOCK 2008

You all know I'm not for that shit. Bah. In Canada, they'd fucking execute whoever did that tij. Or maybe that's Singapore. Which one is the island nation at the southern tip of the Malay Peninsula?

Bah.

Update: New Posting System

Dude, most of the feedback on my new posting system has been pretty damn positive, but a couple of you guys were all "take off hoser, I don't believe that tij is real. There's no way you could get that to work."

Ok, you're right, it sounds hard to believe but it's true: Flounder and Haddock are talking. Flounder isn't happy about it, but I told him we all needed to make sacrifices if the SharePoint deployment is going to be successful. Once I put it that way, he was on board. His commitment to SharePoint is fucking heart warming.

Plus, I told him I'd buy him a fat sandwich if he went along with it. His commitment to sandwiches is fucking heart warming too.

Hockey players kick soccer players' asses

Dude, if a fucking soccer player got his carrot-ed artery cut, he wouldn't fucking make it to the sidelines. Hockey players rule.

Those guys at work

Those guys at work were going on aboot some kind of nonsense called "All your baseball is belonged by us." Which I don't know anything about because Canadians don't play baseball.

Or maybe it was "All your freebasing is done by us," which my sandwich supplier knows about but I don't.

Or it could have been "All your base 16 is automatically converted to decimal," which is a new feature in Gibbon Extreme Heron Edition 2008.

Those guys just make shit up half the time.

Dumping the Gibbon again

Ate some sandwiches
Had enough of the Gibbon
Downloaded Haiku

New posting system

Dude, turns out the new version of Sharepoint isn't compatible with Gibbon 2008 Heron Edition, so I developed this simple system for posting:

1. I post on Blogger.
2. A cron job polls fakegary.blogspot.com every 30 seconds and touches a file if something has changed.
3. When I notice that the file has been touched, I call Flounder.
4. Flounder tells that fucking Haddock to get on his water bike and haul ass to China.
5. Haddock buys 3 chickens in a Beijing market.
6. Haddock uses the chickens to pay a team of Chinese World of Warcraft gold miners to spell out the text of the blog posting in orc heads on a pre-determined battleground.
7. Fake Ben's brother's WoW clan sees the orc head message and emails it to Fake Ben Fry.
8. Fake Ben Fry forwards the email to Fake Lexi.
9. Fake Lexi transcribes the email into a powerpoint and posts the powerpoint to sharepoint.

Some of my fucking coworkers claim this violates company policy by putting confidential blog posts out in public when it's on Flounder's water bike, but they're just a bunch of pansies.

Dude. My company is awesome.

Check out this internal memo we just got:

-----Original Message-----
From: xxx xxx
Sent: Thursday, February 07, 2008 1:06 PM
To: !HQ R&D Code
Subject: Extra sandwiches in 8th floor main kitchen. No msg.

They are encouraging sandwich usage during work hours. I love this place.

Upcoming Blog Outages

You might not read trust.fakegary.com so I just want to make you aware of a few things:

1. Flounder found Vista SP1 on bittorrent. We are upgrading the sharepoint server as I type.
2. Holy shit this is slow
3. Fuck. Flounder just said he put the backups out in the recycling. He is off on his bike to Sunset Scavenger to what can be done.
4. Oh shit
   

Ron Paultard and proud of it

You might not know it, but I post on both of the Internets. Some douche picked up on my comments on another site. He doesnt realise how dangerous this situation is. Now where did I put that tinfoil hat?

http://wonkette.com/tag/paultards-say-the-darndest-things/

You Americans are silly

You spend all this time and effort over picking a President. Why not do what we do? We just say fuck it and have a Queen. In fact we don't even have a our own Queen. We use a Queen from elsewhere and have her on lease. The lease vs buy thing works well, so maybe I should talk about that in my sharepoint implementation scrum of scrums kick off sprint review daily stand up chicken and pig agile meeting.

Year of my ass

Prepare to experience chaos.

Year of the Microsoft?

My ass. The Hardy alpha 4 is out.

Future directions of this blog

I just think strategically... I don't know.

It's just a mindset.

Guest Blogger Update, Updated Again

Now the dude is on fire. WTF.

Guest Blogger Update, Updated

Bah. Fake Lexi has just made it out the door out of the hospital when his lung collapsed, he got gangrene in his right foot, his spleen ruptured, his earlobe delaminated, he lost complete bowel control, his ribcage crumbled to dust, and one of his kidneys fell out.

So I guess no guest blogger today unless I hear from him.

Guest Blogger Update

DUDE. On his way in to Fake Gary Central, Fake Lexi got hit by a truck. He only broke a couple bones, so he says he'll be able to post later today. And the good news is he's only got one punch left on his "buy 10 surgeries, get 1 free" card.

Today's Guest Blogger: Fake Lexi

Dude, you all have been clamoring for another guest blogger so it's my pleasure to introduce Fake Lexi. You might know him from such products as LexiLoader, MetaLexi, and LexiLexiLexi. He's got a lot of good stuff to say, so I'll just let him take it away.

Flounder's shopping spree

Just saw this article about Flounder going mad at the Banana Republic in the Galapagos Islands

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7214860.stm

DUDE. Be careful. One of my predictions for 2008 is a credit crunch. You heard it here first.