Opening day of the new skateless field hockey season

Americans are looking forward to another year of their weird sport 'skateless field hockey'. They need to find a new name because 'skateless field hockey' just isn't catchy. The new season coincides with the beta of the Heron edition of the Gibbon and it looks like at least one team is dumping old Gibbon installs ready for the big day. And they are eating $11.9 million of a "contract"? Sometimes the US doesn't suck as hard as I say it does. I ate a fat contract with seabass last night.

New Self-Produced Reality Show Coming Soon

Even though my day job is hockey-player-slash-developer, I've got other outside interests. For example, I've always been real interested in making my own television programs. And last night, in the hot tub, we finally came up with the next great reality tv show.

So, with Flounder as producer, and Seabass hosting -- we're going to be filming "Moment of Gary" starting this weekend. It's just like that great show on Fox, Moment of Truth, except instead of causing divorces, we're going more highbrow.

Every episode, I'm going to be the one and only contestant. Each time I answer a set of questions truthfully, I win sandwiches and I have to eat em all before we move onto the next set of questions. That's the basic premise.

Also since we're Web2.0 crowdsourcing this tij -- please leave the questions you'd like asked in the comments.

Why I love Hockey

More on Starbucks

I went to the nearest Starbucks with Flounder on the way into work this morning. We wanted to see if they had breakfast sandwiches on clearance. No luck on that front, and also I think those douches have been reading my blog. They have started selling tea. Flounder made me this drink called a Bloody Mary and that went down quite well so I am switching to that.

Fuck you Starbucks I am drinking tea from now on

Those douches that run Starbucks decided to rip off the gibbon and build a site that lets you vote on new ideas. I hate it when the man can't innovate and has to steal ideas from hippies. See for yourself here and here.

And to make matters worse, they have stopped selling breakfast sandwiches. I just switched to tea you douchebags.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Ahh, this is slick. Ahh yeah. They got the fonts right. Fuck yeah.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Dude, it's all fucking working. Suck on that, gentoo boy.

I'm gonna take a screenshot to rub it into fake ben's face.

I gotta install the KDE screen grab program.

Fuck, this is how I fucked it up last time.

Why do I do this to myself?

fake gareth

Dude, someone called for fake gareth baker. That guy is in Australia. I told the caller I could look up his number but I had no idea how to dial it. It probably has fucking kangaroos in it or something.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

The Gibbon Heron deployment is tracking behind schedule because I spent half an hour looking at the CN Tower picture. That tower sure is hot.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

All right, what am I doing here?

Oh yeah, I'm burning a CD.

I don't see the lights blinking.

Whoop. Whoop. Whoop.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Dude, the Heron is gonna make my neck hurt.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Dude, I just couldn't hold back. It's still fucking 26 days till the Gibbon Heron Edition's release, so I'm installing Gibbon Heron Preview Beta Edition. It's gonna be awesome. I'll liveblog every step of the way, because I know you're as excited about it as I am.

Man-gopher battles

Dude, after seeing that CN Tower link, Flounder had himself a Canadian man-gopher battle. He lost.

The Canadian Moose Renaissance

Everyone knows there's a Moose Renaissance going on in Canada. They're producing some kickass artwork and shit.

Even Google knows the CN Tower is the best

Look at the third hit.

Plans for the weekend

I know what I'm doing Saturday, April 12.

Chicks dig UNIX?

Tij. Any chick that knows what that is you should stay away from.

Stay the fuck away from my paradox

Some Greek asshole is claiming I stole his paradox. Fuck you, and I'll kick you in the falafel if you don't shut the hell up.

Sorry, I'm a little punchy. I had half a light beer this morning and it fucked me up.

Update: Baker's Paradox

I woke up in the hot tub this morning. I don't really remember what happened last night, but there was still the crust of a sandwich caught in the filter, so it looks like I proved Baker's Paradox.

I rule.

Baker's Paradox

Dude, I'm having a super-fat sandwich right now and I realize that I'm never going to finish it, because first I'm gonna eat half the sandwich (done), and then I'm gonna eat half of that half (done), and then half of that half (in progress), and I'll never actually stop having a half to eat. Me and Flounder and Seabass and Turtle did it with a chocolate bar back when we were lifeguards and as far as I know Seabass and Turtle are still at it.

Still recovering

Me and my buddy, Seabass, went hard again last night. My liver is still in shock from taking some drinking PTO time.

I know what I'll do next time. I can create a separate drinking branch and since all the alcohol would be getting checked into that branch, the main branch wouldn't be drinking. Problem solved.

New post

I just threw in the towel on the new post idea because the thinking stuff is too tijjie.

More on branches

I've added dependency injection with spring to my private branch. The fuckers at my work say I can never integrate that in, but that's fine with me, cuz I gots my branch.

Last will and testament

Dude, you all know I gave up booze till American St Patrick's Day. I calculated that in the 82 days I wasn't drinking, I missed 846 Molsons: 82 x (three wake up beers + 6 o'clock 6-pack + midnight beer snack). So as soon as the clock hit midnight (PDT, not UTC, 'cuz I wasn't waiting that fucking leap second), I got to it.

Anyway, after my second trip to the ER to get my stomach pumped, I started thinking about mortality, and who would look after the things that are most important in my life, so I wrote up this letter. I know it's rough stuff, but it's gotta be said.

Gotta go and buy more beer.

Things that would be fixed with multiple branches

Dude, and this is just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are tons more I'll come up with:

• Build breakages: if someone breaks the build in their branch, fuck 'em
• Compile times: you only need to compile your changes
• 100% productivity: no fucking week when your branch is locked
• Integrating into xxtreme plus tij: I wouldn't have to do it
  
• Migrating to 10g: just do the migration in a branch
• Quebecois separatists: they get their own branch of Canada
• When you are only in Montreal for one night and want to eat a full plate of poutine and a whole side of smoked beef: branch your stomach and eat both

Hakuna Matata

We have this great phrase in Canada: Hakuna Matata. It means "where's the poutine?" and also "the circle of life." I like to think the great offers available from fakegary embody the spirit of Hakuna Matata. Right now, they're offering matchmaking to get you married and cheating wife tracking to get you un-married. Dude, it's the full circle of life. Also, it's like poutine because you get a little of everything on one plate.

I wonder

I wonder when they invented flounder. I bet it was before the Rubik's Cube, but after haddock.

I wonder

I wonder why they didn't have Rubik's Cubes 400 years ago. Probably the guy who would have invented them was too busy cheating on his spouse. It's a good thing he didn't invent cell phones either, or else he would have been caught.

Dude, I'm in trouble now

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Dude, I'm in so much fucking trouble. Flounder just told me it's against the rules to ask your readers to click on ads. Now it's not just the Mounties, who, let's be honest, are kind of a joke, chasing me, but I've also got Google looking for me. Fuck. I'm gonna recompile the Gibbon to use Yahoo as my default search engine. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I can't go to jail over this. Who's gonna make Charlie his sandwiches? Fuck. And Google is totally going to find me, because they're a bunch of fucking pros at finding shit. Though they aren't as good as the professionals at Southern Professional Investigation, who will find your Cheating Spouse with their Retired GBI.

From cheating spouses to insurance fraud

From cheating spouses to insurance fraud. From grilled flounder to recipes from Red Lobster. It is all one click away. You will be helping Charlie. You will be buying stuff. Buying stuff makes you feel good. You need grilled flounder and your spouse might have underwear stains. Discover that cheating spouse and then buy "Tide to go" to remove those stubborn stains.

Bah. Swapped a boolean condition again

Bah. I just found a bug in my code. It said if married white women and it should have said if bang married white women.

Update to previous post

I'm sure you all heard about that NY governor who got caught by now. Well did you know, he got caught by cell phone? Those statistics really are legit.

Oh and boy was he stupid. Why'd he go all the way down to Washington for his hookups? There are millions of local women so much closer to home.

This post is brought to you by Local Cheating Wives

The google ads have brought in less money than I hoped for. Charlie is going to be working off student debt slower than you could hug a moose. I am going to have to sponsor each post for a while. So, dear readers, please support the sponsors of Fake Gary, without their help this would not be possible.

Did you know 9 Out of 10 cheating spouses are exposed by cell phone use? You need all the facts. Support our sponsor to the right of this post and use claim code 'Sasquatch Swingers' during checkout for a full 10% discount.

So much for Fake Moho

Dude, I guess Fake Moho didn't get to any of the things he said he was gonna get to. I got all steamed about it last night and was gonna show him what's what, hockey style, but then Flounder came over with these killer sandwiches and we hung out in the hot tub and I kinda forgot what I was all steamed about. So I guess it's tij under the brij.

Today's Guest Blogger: Fake Moho

Dude, I'm gonna be out today for Canadian Wildfowl Appreciation Day (not to be confused with American Canadian Wildfowl Appreciation Day, when Americans appreciate Canadian wildfowl, or American Canadian Wildfowl Appreciation Day, which is the American version of the day when Canadians appreciate wildfowl, or Canadian-American American Canadian Canadian-America Wildfowl Appreciation Day, when Canadian-Americans in American celebrate that Canadians are appreciating Canadian-American wildfowl).

Anyway, I've asked Fake Moho to do a guest blogging spot today. He's got a lot of stuff he wants to blog about, like RequestInfo and how he's going to rule the world with the helium silo in his Montana compound, so I'm just gonna let him take it away.

I bought this on ebay

One half of my Canadian tuxedo

http://cgi.ebay.com/Mens-Seven-Jeans-Color-TIJ-Cut-714760-NWT-Orig-172-00_W0QQitemZ350032211744QQihZ022QQcategoryZ11483QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

New data structure

Dude, one of my coworkers just explained the Hash Map to me. It's such a complex data structure that it can't be represented with cassingles. I've ordered some Bran Van flexi discs from eBay to see if they can help me figure it out.

Update: Clearing the air on tij

Fuck. In the last post, when I said Flounder was spreading tij about tij, I meant to say it was Turtle. Sorry Flounder.

Oh wait, Turtle is me. It was Haddock. I think.

Clearing the air on tij

Dude, Flounder has been spreading a lot of tij about tij, and I'm glad big companies like HP have stepped up to dispel some myths.

Taking the wife out to a nice dinner

After the shit I've been pulling lately, I figured it was time to treat the missus to a little something special. I'm taking her to a little place I heard was the tij.

New Roman Numerals

At work, in order to make things easier for us, the suits have implemented this naming system that is sort of like roman numerals.

Say for example you have something called Flounder. The next version of Flounder is called Flounder plus. The one after that is Flounder plus plus. Then we have Flounder extreme. The previous version of Flounder is called "tij Flounder". Actually I just made that last one up.

It makes life so much easier.

This fucker ripped me off

Dude, this fucker ripped off the book I'm writing. And wikipedia claims he wrote it in 1988, which we all know is fucking hogwash.

This record is the tij

\\lhorner-ws1\mp3\Battles\Mirrored

Track 10 is the tij.

I just booked PTO for the third day after the new moon of the Nepali month of Bhadra

I am flying out for this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tij_Festival

A couple of points:

1. The wikipedia entry says: 'The Tij songs allow women to affect change in their respective societies by giving them a public voice.'. I have plenty of Bran Van 4000 cassingles to take out there. I am sure they can always use new material.
2. Why cant they use the Canadian Calendar? All those Canadian backpackers in Nepal will be confused.
3. I ate a Nepalese sandwich once. It went down faster than you could kiss a flock of ducks.

Update: Duck Kissing

Dude, you yanks have been giving me a lot of tij over this whole kissing a duck thing. All I'm gonna say is: winter is long in Canada.

The new Subaru

The new Subaru is fast. It moves faster than you can kiss a duck. I am not talking about the Mighty Ducks. They move fast. They move faster than haddock on his new big wheel. They move faster than Flounder that time he heard about Jared's free sandwich day at our local Subway. They move faster than a Sharepoint server hosted on the latest 'tij from AMD and ATI. They move faster than VG after the market hears about the latest bunch of douches suing them. But nothing is as fast as the new Subaru. Faster than you can kiss a duck.

One time I dug a big hole in a beach, buried some sap up to his neck in sand and made him kiss a dead duck. A French kiss too.

Everything I know, I learned from cassingles

Dude, in my freshman year at the illegal underground private university I went to, I didn't really get the whole CS thing and I mostly ate sandwiches in the back of class. But then I got this professor who explained everything using cassingles and it totally opened my mind. Like, if you have a stack of BranVan cassingles and you put the rare Moose Stomp Megamix cassingle on top, then when you go to take one off, that's the one you get. But if it's a queue, you'll get the first one you put on, which is probably the unauthorized jam version of Eh, What's All This Aboot, because it kinda gets old after the first 40 minutes so I usually put it at the bottom of my pile. And then he explained how you can build anything with a stack, so I figured I'd learned everything I needed to know and dropped out.

I still have a stack of BranVan cassingles at my desk, for prototyping my code.

Free as in "Sponsored by Google"

Running this blog hasn't been cheap, especially with the run up of the Canadian dollar. So, I've decided to supplement my day job with Google AdWords. I'm hoping this allows me to buy sandwiches from British Columbia instead of tijey ones from Mexico.

Now listening to: Burger burger burger...Pizza!

A Fucking Scam

This FasTrak shit is a fucking scam. It costs $70 just to sign up with a credit card!

Protest Chant

I'm working on my protest chant but I got stuck.

SharePoint sucks!
SharePoint sucks!
SharePoint users are a bunch of ...

Douchebags? Corporate dupes chained to installed software? None of those roll off the tongue. Any ideas?

Fighting the power

Dude, I might not be posting as much the next couple days. I'm at the SharePoint Conference telling the man what's up. You can read my anti-SharePoint manifesto at http://x/manifesto