Hat Holders

Heads make really great hat holders.

Hot Tubbin'

Dude, Seabass was visiting for the weekend and brought his grandma's special meat pies. We hit them hard in the hot tub. It was fucking far out. Good thing he brought his video camera:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRjskbf87hw

You're the one with the problem

Get off my back, man. It's just a pie sandwich. It's the fucking same as a sandwich. I don't have a problem, you do. I can stop any time.

Sorry Charlie

You're getting booted for an Ibex.

My Handle

My handle in Grand Theft Auto is dangledong3000. I was playing yesterday with someone whose handle was something-something-3000. I don't know who he was.

My Geneology

I'm half English and five eighths North Carolinan. I don't know anything else. Check with the Mormons.

Liveblogging my memory upgrade

This thing looks like it has two CPUs. Like, two silicon wafer things. I see two cooling towers.

Oh wait, I'm looking at my old machine.

Liveblogging my memory upgrade

I seem to have shortchanged myself a stick.

I should have 16.

No, I should have 12.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11.

Where'd the other one go?

Recursive Handburger

Dude. That's what I want: recursive handburger.

No, wait: it would be all bun.

Fuck.

Jackalope for the Mac

Dude, I've already been running the pre-alpha's of the Jackalope, and it's hot.

So, imagine my surprise this morning when Flounder told me I could also run the Macalope on my Ibex iMac.

Check out this camera pic I took after I got it up and running.

Cousin gassed the sheriff, but didn't gas no deputy

Cousin Mooseknuckle just barely dodged some serious charges while traveling through West Virginia.

How to write right

I just bought this book for all my coworkers. At $17.83 Canadian a copy, it's a steal.

Containers

Dude, Flounder hides his sandwiches in a type-checked variadic heterogenous container.

Hockey Foosball

It's not hockey foosball! What the fuck? What is hockey foosball?

Be careful of this new scam email

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

Next Stop: Uruguay

Dude, once I get back from wherever the fuck I am now, I'm planning a trip to Uruguay. They're really into sandwiches there.

Also, my new Uruguayan buddy Chilean Seabass said they're really into watercress sandwiches there. That sounds fucking sweet.

If me and that hottie running for VP ever had a kid

We'd have to name it Mustache Warthog Palin.

Oh, and Canada totally has more moose than Alaska. Dude. And I like hockey.
She'd totally be into me.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 6

Dude, I'm in Amsterdam today. Jodie and I decided to go because we're into fuckin' windmills and wooden shoes and canals and hookers and tulips and all that shit. Especially the tulips. We go fucking nuts for tulips.

After we got in and went to a little cafe next to our hotel. The dude there asked if we wanted to see the special sandwich menu. I thought his english must not have been good, because no fucking way a cafe would sell sandwiches like out in the open, but I said sure. To make a long story short:

Dude!

Dude!

Fucking sandwiches are fucking legal here!

Dude!

Fuck the windmills.

And the tulips.

Dog taking a dump pattern

DUDE.

I need the Mac VPN client really quickly. I forgot about the free sandwich coupons I have in an email I sent to my work address. I need the Cisco VPN client ASAP. Can Anyone help me? I already asked some douche at work but he said "FUCK OFF. WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THIS BEFORE NOW"

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 10

Dude. I must have eaten way too many of those fancy Frenchie sandwiches (they call them "les baguettes") last night, because apparently I'm in Texas today and a hurricane is about to hit. Fuck you, hurricane. I don't know what the big deal is about them. CNN got a quote from me, but they got my fucking name wrong. Fuck you, CNN.

He told the paper he could walk or kayak out if necessary. "It's just water, man.''

Update: Fuck You Jaunty Jackalope

Flounder explained to me that a jackalope isn't a jackrabbit-cantaloupe mix. I don't know what I was thinking.

It's actually what I did when I married Jodie: drank a fifth of Jack Daniels and then eloped.

Actually, mine was more a jackandmolsonelope, but who's counting.

It was pretty fucking jaunty, though.

Fuck You Jaunty Jackalope

I finally figured out what a jaunty jackalope is. It's a cross between a jack-rabbit and a cantaloupe.

Dude. You'd think the rabbit would try to eat itself because it was a really sweet looking cantaloupe.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 9

Still in Paris. I finally shook that Moose Haddock character, but now Haddock's French uncle, L'haddock, is following me:

VG Baby

While all the fuckers at work were busy talking about Apple and how sickly Steve Jobs looked, I made a play to make some big money off of VG. I just dropped my earnings from selling my Ibex to the local butcher and put all of it on a out-of-the-money bull-put on them.

Dude.

Overnight, I'll be able to make 10 Ibexes from 1.

Oh, and fuck you, Mr Jaunty Jackalope.

The Fuckers at Canonical

Fuck you guys, you can't fool me. There's no way you're calling the next Ubuntu "Jaunty Jackalope." And you jumped the gun: Canadian April Fool's isn't until tomorrow.

http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080908-ubuntu-9-04-to-be-called-jaunty-jackalope.html

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 8

Dude. I was fucking losing my shit yesterday over the whole Charlie thing, and after searching for an hour I finally had to come clean to Jodie, who reminded me we had left Charlie with Uncle Moose back in Fish Nuts, Ontario.

That's a fucking relief, let me tell you.

And after I had a couple cool-down sandwiches (they call them "les sandwiches" here), I realized it's probably just as well we didn't take him to "Gay Paris." Not that there's anything wrong with that. My good friend Rainbow Trout is gay. Dude, I'm all for the gays. But I'd like him to be able to continue the grand Baker tradition of knocking a girl up before you marry her.

Stock Tip

I've been skeptical about GOOG, but I really like the price. I suggest you buy at least an eighth.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 7

Dude, I was so busy with my new Ibex I forgot to have my usual sandwiches (breakfast sandwich, second breakfast sandwich, elevenses sandwich, lunch sandwich, after-pancho sandwich, tea sandwich, amuse bouche sandwich, supper sandwich, dessert sandwich, midnight snack sandwich). So I actually know where I am today: Paris, France. In your face, blog readers!

Anyway, it's cool here and ...

Dude! Where the fuck is Charlie?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Did I leave him in the airport?

Dude.

Ok, Baker, think. Where did you last see him. I put him on the wild moose to take a picture. I drank him under the table in our Molson drinking contest. I helped him recompile his kernel with wobbly windows. And then... fuck fuck fuck.

Dude, if anyone sees him, let me know. And don't tell Jodie about this. She'll take away my fucking Ibex if she finds out.

The Fuckers at Work

The fuckers at work lied to me and said the Ibex would be released in 22 days. Some asswipe even put up a ticker on our wiki home page. But this site clearly says it's not going to be until October 29 (Canadian Halloween), which is an order of magnitude longer.

Whatever fucker put that up should get fired for disrespecting the Ibex. Here in Canada, we call that shouting aboot in a crowded hockey stadium.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 4: Special Ibex Update Edition

Dude.

I got the fucking Ibex.

Dude.

The fuckers at work

Dude. The fuckers back at work have been emailing me non-stop. Telling me that Buckhorn is now serving burgers. That's mooseshit! I fuckin' took time out of my ibex hunt to go look up the menu online, and it's not there.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 3

Dude!

Dude!

I thought the Ibex was still 26 days away, but, dude! Jodie got me the fucking best Canadian Christmas (which falls on September 5 this year) gift ever. Dude! A fucking Ibex Hunt! And it even includes sandwiches! Dude!

Meals consist of hot meals for breakfast and dinner, sandwiches, snacks and drinks for lunch.

Dude!

It's in the Canadian province of Kyrgyzstan, which is next to Nunavit. I think.

Dude!

I bagged myself a 64-bit Ibex and still had time for a sandwich.

Dude.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 2

Dude, I guess I'm in Canada today. Which is fucking awful, because Grandma is also in Canada, and now I know she reads my blog.

She showed up at our hotel and said "It's two and one seconds 'til". I said "Two and one seconds 'til what?" and then she roundhouse kicked me in the face.

Dude, Where the Fuck Am I: Day 1

Dude. All I remember is having an extra fat sandwich in the hot tub to calm my nerves for something, and then I woke up this morning and I was definitely not in Glen Park. Seriously, dude, where the fuck am I?

It must be Canada, because instead of Haddock, now I'm getting chased by this hoser:

That's good

It's kinda boozy.

Why do you hate the monkey?

Why is this chair always here?

It wants to be under my ass.

Fake Charlie

Where Bruce?

Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!

Fuck you, Grandma

When I was a kid my Grandma would say "it's five and twenty past five." Fuckin Grandma, why can't you just say "5:25"?

Fuck you, Grandma.

But that was just when I was a kid.

Another Open Letter to Ben Fry

http://finance.yahoo.com/echarts?s=JAVA#chart1:symbol=java;range=1d;compare=vg;indicator=volume;charttype=line;crosshair=on;ohlcvalues=0;logscale=on;source=undefined

Relax

Go back to your desk, relax, have a cookie, lalalalala. It's not like the fucking building is burning to the floor.

Our Meeting

I thought our meeting was...

Oh, fuck. It was at 9:30.

I wasn't going to make it anyway.

IntelliJ is the new SkyNet

Dude. I'm posting from my blackberry so IntelliJ can't see me do it. Yesterday, I put a comment that said

-- todo: move to the migration project

And then I moved the file to the migration project and it fucking removed the todo because it knew it was done. Dude. It's fucking self-aware. Then I added

-- todo: get me a sandwich

And pushed Alt-Enter. 20 minutes later, Flounder showed up with a fat Humboldt with extra cheese.

Fuuuuuck.

Fake Charlie

Anyone want to buy an RSA key, cheap?

Fake Charlie

1

2

3

4

5

6

9

10!

Fake Charlie: Train

Train

New guest blogger: Fake Charlie

DUDE. I have been so busy at work. Rather than implement agile they implemented some new methodology called douchebag or something. I have been thinking of hiring a new guest blogger because I am so busy. Also, Flounder pointed out that we skew to a more mature demographic and it is all about the disposable income of toddlers and tweens these days.

So let me introduce to you our new guest blogger: Fake Charlie. Over to you Fake Charlie.

Sometimes being Canadian is hard

One of my old friends is competing in Beijing. He also took part in Athens. My only issue is that he is playing a douchebag American sport rather than Hockey or one of the variants (grass hockey, water hockey, boat hockey, foot hockey, tonsil hockey etc).

Poor Richard never did live down that sad episode with the town bike and his name in the Olympics still reflects that infamous incident.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Clapp

Norway's a bunch of chuckleheads

They totally got the wrong penguin. If Canada ever had knights, we'd've gotten the right one.

An Open Letter to Ben Fry

When you're gone, I'm going to turn off your computer, open the case, and take a shit inside of it.

This is total tij

We should own this sport. I just don't get it.

Does anybody know when the muskox hunting triathlon starts?

2008 Summer Olympics

Even though Canada doesn't have any medals yet, our best sport isn't until next week. I'm certain the 'nucks are gonna sweep the gold, silver and bronze.

Year of the MSFT

Know how they say all press is good press?

Microsoft totally nailed it on this one.

Installing Gibbon Heron Edition on a MacBook Pro Liveblog

Wow!

Sweeeeet!

Why do I like this?

Installing Gibbon Heron Edition on a MacBook Pro Liveblog

I told Seabass I'd done it and he asked me if it was an accident.

Installing Gibbon Heron Edition on a MacBook Pro Liveblog

Done. It's either a Linux machine or a brick now.

Installing Gibbon Heron Edition on a MacBook Pro Liveblog

I'm almost sorta doing it just because it's such a douche-y thing to do.

I'm a Stock-Picking Lion

An update and a big I-Told-You-So on one of my original stock picks, VG: You remember I bought back in October for 97 US cents (that's $1.04 Canadian). The next day it spiked to $2.57 US ($2.75 Canadian). All the guys at work who think they're so smart said "oh, you should sell" and I was like "dude, I'm an investor, not a trader." If I'd sold then, I would have paid 64 US cents per share (68 cents Canadian) of tax. Now that I've sat pretty and enjoyed the ride, it's down to $1.35 US ($1.44 Canadian) and I only owe 15 US cents of tax (16 cents Canadian). And if I hold another 2 months, it could be long term capital gains and the feds could owe me money. Fuck yeah!

Scarlett is really gonna like this

They've done the impossible. The E70 has been upgraded to the E71. If the old E70 could bust a cap on the iPhone, imagine what the new one can do. I'm moist with anticipation.

Fucking Waste of Fucking Money

Dude, I'm fucking as steamed as flounder en papillote. They did this fucking tij at work and it worked fine for everyone who's using a real IDE (Intell-ij), but everyone who uses that fucking freetard bullshitij Eclipse was whining how they couldn't get it to work and how they lost 2 hours of productivity. Fuck. If you calculated how much that cost the company, we could have bought everyone Intell-ij licenses 5 times over.

Fake Moho: Ibex Blows

Everyone knows the Ibex blows. It's way worse than Cloverhamptonville and doesn't even use the 32 nm process that Saskatoon has been using for years. I would explain more, but the Comcast guy just got here to

Impostoring Ibex

So as all readers of my blog know, the Ibex is due for release in just about 2 months.

I was just alerted by Baz that Intel is putting out its own Ibex processor next year.

At first I was upset. It should be illegal to reuse open source code names. But, then I thought about the possibilities. Think about the recursiveness of running the Ibex on the Ibex. Oh man. I think I need an afternoon sandwich.

Hot Investment Tip

Dude, if they roll out my national sales tax scheme here, there'd be a fucking boom in calculator watch sales. Just in case, you all should go long on calculator watch futures.

Sea Bass still wears the calculator watch he had as a kid. I'm gonna get together with him and open a hedge fund with it.

This Dude Crossed A Line

I was with this dude all the way on the bus killing. Who hasn't wanted to murder the guy next to him on the bus who's playing his damn headphones loud? But then when he beheaded the dude after killing him, that crossed a line. You don't need to behead someone after you've killed them. That's just rude.

Fucking Anti-Canadian Propaganda

Dude, Flounder's Japanese friend Tako is claiming Subaru is Japanese, not Canadian. Don't listen to his lies. It's also the only open-source car, which he'd probably say isn't true either. I recompiled mine to run on American gas and it only took two weeks.

Civic Holiday

Dude, this Monday is Civic Holiday in Canada. It's hogwash. It's fucking discrimination, is what it is. Why do we have a day off to celebrate the Honda Civic and no day off for the WRX, which is not only a superior car but also a fucking Canadian car. It gets me steamed. At least they could have Impreza Holiday, if they didn't want to just celebrate the WRX. Bah.

Intellectual Property Theft

Dude! These pigfuckers stole my idea. I'm gonna sue their asses in Canadian patent court. I've been doing wakin' bakin' for years now.

Flounder's latest hot tub idea becomes reality

The other night, me and Flounder were sitting in the hot tub throwing out some crazy big peperoncini rings, when he tells me that he had a dream about whales blowing smoke rings.

Well what do you know, the Japanese have done it.

I bet the sandwiches in Japan are crazy good.

Dude, I wish I'd thought of this

Pizza bears, dude. That's some serious genetic engineering. I bet it's fucking delicious till it rips your head off.

I'm off to the hot tub to work on a sandwich moose.

The fifth dimension

It's totally over simplifying things to just use two dimensions.

I don't need no stinking badgers

They have badger phones in the UK. I called someone in grand theft
auto and it said their badger phone was disconnected.

In case you forgot, it's still the year of the MSFT

Check out their mobile advertising strategy:

a throwback to "Space Invaders," in which Microsoft's "clippy" character (from MSFT's Office apps) danced around the cellphone screen as Microsoft's Sean Alexander shot at Dorito chips.

Why Linux is great

Whenever something goes wrong I just take out my laptop and start fucking going crazy with google. That's what's good about Linux, man. They have it on the internet. Not like that Windows tij.

Fuck the iPhone

This dude is so right.

The iPhone is a piece of shit, and so is your face.

All you need to do is replace E70 with BlackBerry Pearl and -- "Now what, motherfucker?"

Girl of the day + apology

Hey everyone. Haddock is back. Sorry for going AWOL the last couple of days. I hope Grandpa did a good job. The reason I was away was because of this:



You are thinking: But Haddock she isn't your type. She is wearing a bright top to warn motorists. She has a nice sensible helmet. Her bike is 100% straight from the factory. Well you would be wrong. That basket is loaded with fresh sandwiches and hempuccinos.

This post is brought to you by Hemp nuts whipped cream.

Grandpa Haddock's girl of the day

Hello everyone. Grandpa Haddock here. I got a call from my Grandson Haddock this morning. He said he overindulged at a Quiznos last night so he asked me to post something on his good friend Turtle's "blog". Young people of today eat too much. In my day we had rationing. It seems these blogs are what all the youngsters are using these days. In my day we used two empty cans of Molson and some string. Haddock told me about this girl of the day thing. In my day we would never do such things. You youngsters are too free and easy for my tastes.

I thought I would share a picture of Grandma Haddock. Back in those days you didn't just build your own bikes you had to knit your own helmets too. In this pic poor Grandma Haddock smoked way too much pot and drank far too much beer and was way too fucking hammered to get on a bike.

H@DDOXX GRRL of the day

The hair doubled as a helmet.

The dude I sit next to had a bike accident

Jalapenos

I don't understand why everyone is so up in arms about a little salmonella on jalapenos. If you eat jalapenos, you want to get the runs anyway.

H@Ddoxx GRRRL ov teh day

She rode her bikes like she lived her life. Fast, out of control, no brakes. An organ donor to be. She thought she was soooo cool but that look on her face betrayed the lack of fixed wheel skillz.

Holy fuckballs, I wish this had been me

If only this had been me.

I'd never sue them for it. I just love the recursiveness of it. Think about it. You could use a sandwich to cut another sandwich.

Far out.

Hockey Magic Quadrant

I've been working on this. Let me know what you think.

uıɐƃɐ pǝuʍ0d

ǝɹǝɥ sɐʍ ʞɔoppɐɥ ɹoxɐɥ ɹǝdns

My new favorite joke

New feature: Haddock's girl of the day

Hey everyone! Haddock here. It has been a while but Gary still hasn't learned how to lock down access to his blog. From now until he closes the security holes I will be posting "Haddock's girl of the day".

Which brings me to this little beauty spotted in SOMA last Saturday night:




She was in my life just for an instant (you can tell by the blur) but I was in love. Even today my heart aches longing for her return. You can see the look of amazement on her face when I correctly identified the 5 mods she made to her frame. I was also in awe of how she handled that heavily modded frame considering her non bike-safe shoes.

What plants crave

No wonder only hippies are using Gentoo. They just released their latest version, Gentoo Linux 2008.0. It was code-named "It's got what plants crave".

Really?

Why would anybody run IGWPC when you could be running the Heron?

Oversensitive douches at work

Just because I sent an email with RTFE to all of R+D people are crying like Maple Leafs fans after another joke season.

btw.  RTFE stands for "Reinforced Tetrafluoroethylene"

Douche stands for douchebag.

Douches.

Acronyms

Sometimes my Canadian upbringing gets in the way of getting my message across. So if you ever see me mention RTFE, it just means I'm talking about Reinforced Tetrafluoroethylene. That stuff has a huge following in Canada, and I guess here in the states, they're a bit behind the times.

I'm switching to Gimpy Ganymede

As this dude says, "Coding in IntelliJ is like being working with my keyboard covered in hot tar."

I love Alberta Beef

And I have the bumper sticker to prove it.

Sometimes you just have to bribe the government

$204K well spent by Vonage. I told Charlie about this and he shouted "Train!" in approval. Already the little dude is understanding the markets and how sometimes you just have to bribe the man to move ahead.

Good luck and Happy Canada Day Vonage.

New Series: Ideas for bumper stickers

1. Jesus was Canadian

I need a new look

I am bored of the 'scary dude waiting for the Muni outside SF general' look. It was quite trendy a few months ago but times change. I need a new look. Have a look at a few mockups below and let me know what you think.

Ape-Man




Chick



Even more drunk than usual.

Mini-Haddock sighting

Saw this Haddock cruising around Glen Park last night. Very suspicious.

An Open Letter to Cousin Sasquatch

Dear Cousin Sasquatch:

When we were growing up, everyone thought it was funny when you'd occasionally bite off a hobo's foot. We laughed with you, and, let's be honest, it was one of the few times you truly got to feel included in part of the family. Deep down, we all knew it wasn't healthy, but we all thought it was just a phase. I guess we just didn't want to face the truth. Maybe it was a cry for help that we were all too selfish to hear.

Now those crazy childhood antics have gone horribly out of control. Sasq, we're begging you, find help. Flounder's friend Rubio knows El Chupacabra's therapist, who helped him a lot with the whole goat-sucking problem. And know that we're all here for you. Tillie has even promised to let that whole incident last Canadian Christmas go.

Sincerely,

Gary, Uncle Moose, Uncle Goose, Flounder, Bruce, and Gordie Howe.

Ripped off

I've been cranking away on my Peaton, working on my perforce checkins visualization screen
saver, and then this dude comes and steals my thunder. I bet he stole it out of my perforce-as-a-service cloud-based depot.

You know what the worst part is? Instead of crediting me, he gives a shout out to BFry. Bah.

Life doesn't get any better than this

1. Beat the shit out of a Yank in hockey last night
2. Ham + Swiss
   
3. Tried out my new Harmonic Saturator
4. Drove the entire map of Grand Theft Auto in reverse gear
   

Maybe the Yank healthcare system isn't so bad after all

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/80609

I started the think maybe you Americans were starting to become modern and enter the 21st century. Then I did a search of that site for sandwich news and I am keeping my opinion you are a fucked up country with major issues.

http://www.theonion.com/content/search/onion/advanced?search=sandwich&restrict=

Shitstorm

Running Windows on vmware isn't running it in the cloud, it's like running it in a shitstorm.

Dude, they stole my fucking idea

These fuckers stole my idea. I've had a puppet in the cloud for years now. A cloud of sandwiches, if you know what I mean.

Whenever

Whenever someone asks me to say something funny, I just say "you're a douche." It always kills.

Hockey isn't basketball

Last night at our hockey game, I was arguing a call with the ref. He was trying to explain the call with some comparison something like, "it's like in basketball when you double-dribble..." I was so pissed off I actually tried to teach how even though Canadians invented basketball we've disowned it since like the early sixties.

Would you believe this traitor still gave me a minor penalty?

I am starting a second blog

Someone at work just told me 'redundancy is the standard of choice'.

Three Times A Lady

And I will always love yooouuu.

Lionel Richie should have been Canadian.

Twice

I played a trumpet when taking a crap and I did such a good job the guy in the next stall applauded.

Once

I took a crap once and I did such a good job the guy in the next stall applauded.

Fucking goats

I'm sure they ruined some animals' days by fucking eating their nests.

Price Sheet

Dude, I decided to start billing my company by the job instead of by the hour. I think it's a more fair system for everyone. Here's my price sheet.

• Dood: $2.50
• Dood!: $3.50
• Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck: $18.50
• Belch: $8 ($12 after a burrito)
• Blank Stare: $19.50
• Rant about QA: $4.95 + $3/min
• Install Linux distro: $2000
• Talk about installing Linux distro: $50
• Write Code: Sold Out
  

All prices are in Canadian dollars. If you want me to take those bullshit yank dollars, it'll cost at least double. I heard that tij isn't even worth the paper it's printed on.

Free as in A Bunch of Bullshitij

Dude, Flounder just told me there's this all this software that isn't free and you can pay money for. Who knew? I tried paying money for Intell-ij, and it's the fucking tij. It even supports XML (who'd a thunk it?) That free software stuff is a bunch of bullshitij. I blame Ben Fry for suckering me into it.

Like i said yesterday

The architecture committee are douches. They rejected my new idea. They really don't get it. They still live in a world where only one branch exists and you are forced to use Eclipse on windows or something. Douches.

Like I give a shit anyway. Canada was faking moon landings long before Hollywood got that idea and it looks like Canada is hiring dudes to go into space again (no faking this time). I meet all their criteria except my degree is in 'sandwich arts'. But I have way more than 2 years experience. I applied today, so fuck you architecture committee, I am off to find a monolith out there somewhere like in that film Bran Van 2001 a spaced odyssey.

Douches.

Haddock just doesn't get multitenancy

I found this quote on Haddock's "HotTubsByDemand" offering:

"According to [Haddock], Hot Tubs ByDesign has one filter, but each individual hot tubber has one hot tub. This "mega-tenancy"model means hot tubbers can be isolated to prevent cross-tub sandwich bogarting. "This unique feature of mega-tenant strict isolation is enabled by hot tub virtualization techniques," said Haddock's spokesman [Anchovy]."

I love it. It's as if no one else can quite grasp hot tub multitenancy and it's benefits. This is great news for my hot tub. It'll crush these guys. "Mega-tenancy" Bahahaha.

Presenting my new idea to the architecture committee

DUDE. The other night I was in the hottub with Flounder, sharing our 5th bag of Sun Chips after a pretty satisfying sandwich. We got talking about ideas and the session was very productive. Before long we had a complete spec for a new project I plan to work on for the next release. I am a bit nervous because I have to present my new idea to the architecture committee. They are a bunch of douches even when they like your idea. If you haven't prepared enough those fuckers chew you out faster than you can kiss a duck. I think I really impressed them with my high level system overview diagram last year. They didn't say a word that time. That showed them.

So, readers of my blog, I would like you to review my techspec and provide feedback in the comments section.

Ubuntu Netbook Remix

This is going to be the biggest thing since the Branvan vs Bryan Adams remix of Summer of 69.

http://www.engadget.com/2008/05/25/canonical-ceo-says-ubuntu-netbook-remix-build-coming-in-june/

Fantasy Baseball Update

Wish I'd been able to pull off this trade: "Calgary Vipers minor leaguer traded for 10 baseball bats." If fantasybaseball.yahoo.ca had let me set up this sort of deal, Gaz totally would've gone for it.

Anybody else remember the great hockey stick drought of 1988, when the Maple Leafs traded two thugs for a pile of Easton's? Man, that was awesome.

Hardy Heron 4eva

I feel the need to set the record straight about the Heron. It is atleast 3 Canadian orders of magnitude better than the Gibbon.

There's this dude on the web who's been trash talking it. Saying that Windows shares don't work anymore. And that you shouldn't upgrade from the Gibbon.

That's tij. Pure and simple. If you are scared of progress, you should just go for Breezy Badger. Oh and use the 16 bit version. I hear it's rock solid.

Haddock update

A lot of my readers have been in touch wondering what Haddock is up to. He went missing for a long time after earth day. He was last spotted cartwheeling down the beach away from his drum circle. He wasn't wearing very much and he was arrested for public nudity inside a Peets on Geary. Some lady really didn't like his pubes falling into her half-fat decaf iced latte.

So rather than hack my blog or build a new bike, he spent some time locked up with some dude who wrote some filesystem or something. He is back on the streets and came up with this. Fuck that shit, it is all about Grand Theft Auto Mr Haddock Dude.

If Intellij is Zeus

Then Eclipse is Ganymede.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganymede_(mythology)

There are two types of people in the world

Those that think they can divide people into types, and those that do not.

India's Bitch

Ever since Canada lost the French and Indian War, they've been India's bitch.

These guys don't fucking get it

Dude, these guys don't fucking get it. The whole point of the cloud is you don't have to buy fucking computers and pieces of metal that tie you down. You do everything in the cloud, man.

That got me steamed up. I'm gonna go home and port a sandwich to the cloud, if you konw what I mean.

My new homepage

http://smartcanucks.ca/

Fuck. I just remembered I live in Unitij States of America. And those douches pay me in uncanadian dollars. At least I am getting a Moose Light sweatband.

My new TV show

A lot of my readers are still really confused about open source. For example my former BBFFF still thinks open source is compiled from source. It is all about apt-get Ben Fry dude. To help people out I have started the Gary GNU show. Flounder likes the idea and he is working on the Flounder Flatulence show. I suppose he is an expert.

VG beat the estimates

Only lost $9 million in Q1. Suck on that Sun shareholders.

Canadian Dictionary

strat·e·ger·ize (v) : Ben is a douche

You gotta stop messing with your niblets

And start coding algorithms.

fakegary spinoff

Dude, I'm gonna start a financial blog where all I do is compare stock charts to animals. What would you call that kind of analysis?

technical analysis

My former BBFFF and former BBFSAF (Best Ben Fry Stock Advisor Forever, which is a recursive acronym) recommended this stock:

That stock chart looks like a crouching tiger.

sentiment: STRONG BYE-BYE.

Leaving for the day

Off to visit Flounder for a Tupperware party.

Richard Stallman just called

Well I think it was Richard Stallman. Could have been Flounder playing a joke after a mid afternoon sub. Reasons why I think it was him:

1. He called collect
2. He says he reads the blog for Gibbon tips
3. He wasn't really talking, he was singing to me using his new GPL melody

Why it might not have been him:

1. At one point he said something about Sharepoint 'rocking his world'
2. He said he would send me a link from his favourites in IE7
3. He sounded like Flounder after a Ham and Swiss on Sourdough.

So this 'Richard Stallman' called me to educate me on recursive acronyms. Seems like I am a bit clueless. He kept me on the line until I invented a new acronym. Since he was calling collect from Cuba or somewhere the missus is going to be pissed.

Anyway:

Sanwiches
Are
Not
Drinks
Which
Is
Convenient
Hoser

That's the best I can do for now. Can you readers do better? Help me, dudes.

The Man

Dude, Flounder just got smacked down by the man. He found a buyer in the US for 20 litres of his porn, so he flew out to hand-deliver it, but the fucking TSA (which is some kind of flying Mountie, I think) said he can only carry 3 ounces on the plane. Dude, that's like a fucking order of magnitude less than a litre. So he had to surrender the rest of the litres, and now he only has 60 litres left to sell.

Flounder's PS3

Dude, Flounder is trying to scrape together money to buy a PS3. Here's what he said:

Basically I have to raise the console money from side projects.

I plan to sell two comic book display racks (the tall circular kind)

Already sold my PS2 to Zell through Jones ($100)

My Adult skin mag collection which currently fills up an 80 litre Tupperware container.

Sheesh.

I am starting to think Heron devs are lazy douches

It has been a week since the Heron edition of the Gibbon came out. I haven't seen a single patch all week. WTF? If I find out they use waterfall or use a monolithic branch I will be so angry. I have a BBFFF who runs gentoo so I can switch in an instant with his help.

I heard from a reliable source all Gibbon devs had an offsite in Zambia to hunt Ibex. The first dev that works out WTF an Ibex is and gets a confirmed kill wins a prize. Flounder found out and applied for a job there, he loves to hunt seals and he thinks Ibex are African seals that roam the plains avoiding African killer whales. I think Ibex are African Gnewts. Gnewt stands for Gnewts are not newts. That acronym makes Richard Stallman angry becuase it isnt recursive.

Taking PTon! for the rest of the week

I'm taking Charlie up to a Canadian farm in deep western Canada. I need Charlie to know the true history about how Alaska is really a Canadian territory but the damn Americanos keep perpetuating their lies about how its a state. Everyone knows that the great Canadian musk ox can only live in Canada, so there's no way it could live in the United States of Tij.

Here's a photo of our aunt Bonito feeding a musky last time we were up there.

Canadian Word of the Day

Castoreum / Cas`to´re`um / n.

A peculiar bitter orange-brown substance, with strong, penetrating odor, found in two sacs between the anus and external genitals of the beaver; castor; - used in medicine as an antispasmodic, and by perfumers.

And yes, I am totally wearing cologne today.

In late today

Was out late last night at the midnight release party for the Heron, Gibbon Extreme Edition. It was awesome. At midnight, we all shared a sandwich and then downloaded the new ISOs. I don't think Jodie'll be too happy about this, but I got caught up in the moment (at 95% download complete) and I volunteered our hot tub for the Ibex Gibbon Plus Plus release party.

do you think it is wrong that the panini press forces you to take action?

It is wrong. I should tell the panini press what I want it to do. How did it come to this?

June 12th. Save the date

Alpha 1 of the Ibex service pack of the Gibbon Heron edition comes out. I am so excited I almost forgot about the Sharks game last night. I need to find out what an Ibex is so I can dress like one at work. I think it is a frog or a crab or something.

My new 64cm panini press

I used to use a 32cm panini press to toast my 32cm subs. I upgraded to a 64cm panini press so I could use twice as much filling per sandwich. But for a long time I was only using 32cm subs in the 64cm panini press. I moved to 64cm subs and things are really sweet right now.

I am like a retard

WTF

Haddock's Lair

Me, Jodie and Charlie went cruising up over the Golden Gate bridge over the weekend. We ended up in San Rafael. We totally love the open source community feel they have up there. Then, holy tij -- we realized we'd stumbled into Haddock's lair. I've never driven the Subaru so fast to get out of there. See for yourself:

Flounder is angry

DUDE. Turns out that Flounder reads this blog sometimes. He just saw the post about Ben Fry being my new BFF. Fucking hell Flounder dude, I didn't know it would upset you that much. I am really sorry. If you really want me to return your Panini press I will. What can I say? I like lots of people and I just want to build a community of some sort.

How about this: I call Ben Fry my BBFFF (Best Ben Fry Friend Forever) and you are my BFFF (Best Flounder Friend Forever) and I promise to have no more BFFs. Although I think the number of BFFs should be unlimited. Sort of like a techops meal expense budget or like the number of VPs in marketing. Or even like the number of Heron patches you have to download each morning.

My boss is losing it

Dude, I think he has some kind of memory problems. He came by just now and claimed that not only do we have a meeting right now, but that we always have a meeting at this time on Friday. Which is obvious hogwash.

T-Minus 7 days

OMG. Gibbon Extreme Heron Edition coming soon. Dude. Can't wait!

Did you know I used to be a lifeguard In Canada?

It was Eh-Watch.

Just chillin

Things've never been so calm and clear at work. That's cause this morning I had a canadian bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich first thing in the morning. Sand Dab likes to say it's a wake-n-ate.

drubbing the pipe

After rocking the banana at work I called up Flounder about tenderizing the dance. But he was busy wrestling the surgeon general. I dediced that buttering the midget about the Heron again was the next best alternative. My new friend Ben Fry was licking the dolphin which just sucked balls. I ate again at Pancho so I left for the bathroom because fogging up the chimp was in order. My rusty sherrif's badge hurt the steaming blazing wet lemur while initiating the stiff dermal vector. On the way back to my desk I was shooting the orange four-legged cactus to someone about Intellij when I was forced into tweaking the canoe. Anyway enough with pleasing the lemur, please review my new EaaS site. (Euphemism as as Service).

This song means so much to me

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)

Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
(you've got a place to go)

I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben

My new BFF

I don't always see eye-to-eye with Gentooboy, but at last, we're united. United in our hate of SharePoint. I'm pretty sure soon he's close to switching to the Gibbon Extreme Edition too.

Beaver Mudslinging

Dude, this country just doesn't get beavers. Any Canadian 3rd grader would know this is a pile of lies (in Canada, 3rd graders are really American 4th graders cause we start in 0th grade -- this gives us a big leg up in programming). Look at this foolishness.

"beaver control is not rocket science, Lisle said."

That's tij. In Canada, you couldn't get a Ph.D. in rocket science even if you wanted to. While the Beaver Contrology Ph.D. program is the most revered and respected degree in the land.

"If we can put a man on the moon, we can outsmart beavers. They're not very good at deductive reasoning," he said. "They're very single-minded."

Really? Canada has never put a man on the moon, and Flounder is always telling me that neither has the United States.

So, this has forced my hand. As of today, I'm officially announcing that I've stopped my run for the Martinez Beaver Subcommittee.

My ass gets it, man!

I created a cloud, man!

You don't get it, man!

You read it in the cloud, man!

You edit it in the cloud, man!

It lives in the cloud, man!

It's the cloud!

I'm never offline.

Bah.

Flounder is out of line

Dude, Flounder is getting way out of line with his anti-sandwich talk. I had to send him this sternly-worded email:

-----Original Message-----
From: Fake Gary Baker
Sent: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 2:31 PM
To: Flounder
Subject: Re: Sandwiches

btw dude - That's just the kind of attitude that we are trying to persuade our customers NOT to take. You should start drinking the cool-aid. It tastes good.

My work Day exported from Google calendar

I just got access to google calendar. In order to be more productive I set up my calendar on google. Here is my plan for tomorrow:

9:00am : Locate desk.
9:00 - 9:30 : Think about new Perforce LISP scripts.
9:30 - 9:45 : Get into a fight with Ben Fry about Linux/Wiki/Java/LISP
9:45 - 10:30 : Think about wiki pages and Google
10:30 - 10:35 : Edit a file then revert it.
10:35 - 10:45 : Walk around the 8th floor looking for dork victims
10:45 - 11:00 : Talk to a random stranger about Gibbon Heron edition and/or Intellij
11:00 - 11:05 : Edit the file again. Revert it.
11:05 - 11:30 : ask people what is for lunch
11:30 - 12:15 : Pancho for a burrito
12:15 - 12:30 : Regret going to lunch so early
12:30 - 1:00 : Check p4 again with new scripts
1:00 - 1:15 : Get a call from Flounder about him apologizing for backhair in the hot tub yet again.
1:15 - 1:45 : Hockey videos on youtube
1:45 - 2:00 : Get a code review and argue the point. Say fuck it. Revert the changes.
2:00 - 2:01 : Scrum
2:01 - 2:15 : Peets
2:15 - 2:30 : Call Flounder to remind him that the hot tub will still be clogged unless he comes through on that promise to bring over some super high powered drano or some tij.
2:30 - 2:55 : I have absolutely no idea where this time went.
2:55 - 3:00 Dork my boss.
3:00 - 3:05 Forced to admit that Ben Fry was right again
3:05 - 3:30 Serious burrito powered wind issues. retreat to the bathroom.
3:30 - 4:00 Make a false start on my departure from the bathroom. Rapid return.
4:00 - 4:15 Hide from someone telling me I missed their 4pm scrum
4:15 - 4:45 Final part of bathroom trilogy
4:45 - 5:15 Edit a file. Argue with Ben Fry about the change. Admit he was right. Revert.
5:15 - close : watch for the departure of my boss. Bah. He seems to be working late.

top 11 posters

Here's the top 11 posters over the last 30 days. (Who's this "fakegary" guy/girl. He/she needs a raise!)

Seriously though. If you're on this list, then you deserve kudos for being a great team player. Good for you.

[fakegary username],[num posts]

fakegary,431

flounder,82

haddock,68

turtle,62 (wait, that's me!)

cousin sasquatch,57

baz,54

taz,52

kaz,51

faz,50

daz,43

seabass,40

PS: I attached the whole list in an extra nerdy lisp-like format.

Not that there's anything wrong with that

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if a hockey team won because they did butt innings, I think they'd keep it to themselves.

Beers

I'll be ok with 3. 4 or 5 is dodgy. 6 is right out.

Wrestling

I like wrestling. It's like ballet for giant men.

Alcohol starts at 6

Countdown to booze: 47 minutes.

Gotta move

I'm gonna shamble over to another seat.

For the record

No, I was not there.

But Flounder was.

Under-penetration

I don't know about America, but under-penetration isn't legal in Canada.

What I find more interesting than anything in the world is

Every minor detail of marketing launches. I could listen to that shit
for hours.

PTOn!

Dude, Tillie PT On!ed the hot tub filter last night and the fucking
thing stank up all of Glen Park.

Olympic protests

You might not know it, but I like to think of myself as a bit of a hippy. Right now 10,000s of stinky hippies have lined the streets of San Francisco to protest the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. Something about Canadian occupation of Tibet? WTF? It is just a few backpackers dude. This just makes we want to shit on my desk. I swear I just heard one of them say he wants to stick the torch up a Beaver ass. I just drank a six pack of Molson and I am going downstairs for a fight faster than you can kiss a Peking duck.

From now on, do not call me a hippy. These people disgust me.

UPDATED: Here is Baz trying to reason with these nutjobs. Errr I think.

Dude, this shit is fucking sweet

I got my gmail to outlook to yim to kbuntu to blogspot integration working. Sand Dab had to help me out.

 

Whoops

Ohhh.... that was the wrong alias.

Ohhh.... I just dorked myself.

It was funny though.

Fake Gary Reader Survey

Our first-ever Fake Gary Reader Survey is live! Please leave your responses in the comments.

If my blog posts were the same in all other ways, which group would you prefer?

More posts about Flounder
Fewer uses of the word "fuck"
Number of references to sandwiches stays the same
I upgrade to the Gibbon Heron Ibex alpha service pack
A swift kick in the ass

OR

Fewer posts about Flounder
$5-per-post subscription fee
More posts about beer
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup
Cats and dogs live together

Some of the tij that's allowed to go on here

People should have been shitting on desks to make it stop happening.

A simple philosophy

I try to live my life by one simple philosophy: if you can use appget, use appget.

Americans speak funny

They sometimes pronounce "the business" by saying "the bee's knees". Eh?

Gibbon Heron Edition Update

It's a perfectly clean [Gibbon] Heron [edition] install! We should light some incense.

Dream Big, Little Flounder

Dude, last night me and Flounder hit the hot tub and had a primo sandwich (and I don't mean a Safeway Primo Taglio sandwich). We both fell asleep in the hot tub, which Jodie says is dangerous because I might drown or something, but ... bah.

Anyway, when we woke up the next morning, Flounder said he had this bitchen dream where he was the CEO of Microsoft and he got to fix everything that's tijjy about Outlook. Also, in the dream, he went to a board meeting with no pants and could fly. He actually went to a meeting with no pants once, so that part is real. Anyway, the part of the dream about becoming CEO and fixing Outlook was fucking sweet. I told him he should look into it.

Pinch Flipper

A lot of you have asked how I could possibly pinch flip. Back in college, I played Pinch Flipper for the JV hockey team. Freshman year, I played Right Wing. Sophomore year, I played Rear Admiral. Junior year, I played Pinch Flipper. And senior year, I drove the Zamboni.

Pinch flipping at work

I had to step in as a pinch flipper for some charity pancake tij. I get back to my desk and it smells like someone pinched a loaf.

BAH.

I think I might be a vegan from now on

I went to Popeye's on the way home with Flounder, Daz, Baz, Daz, Turtle (wait thats me) and Seabass. I think I might turn vegan until Canadian July 4th.

A quick post from Haddock

Beavers are rodents. Your national pride and joy is an overfed rat with a fucked up tail that looks like it was run over.


Dear IT department the number you are thinking of is 1/0.

Year of the MSFT rolls on

Damn it. This is just tij. My original favorite open source project, Spring, is getting bought by Microsoft.



Dear IT department the number you are thinking of is 1234.

When I run apt-cache search bitchx

I get porked. I don't get it.

Dear IT department the number you are thinking of is 33 1/3.

Why Canada rules part 87

In America they have sports and they have entertainment. They are two separate things. In Canada we said fuck that and merged them. We have 'sports entertainment' . It has storylines like a soap opera but also (to the untrained eye) looks exactly like 'sports'. It is totally made up and the players are actually memebers of the Canadian acting union. Two great examples of this 'sports entertainment' are NHL and WWE. Americans might call it made up fake bullshit but we know best. Every year some hockey player should win an Oscar. Flounder has an uncle that writes scripts for the NHL so sometimes we get to hear spoilers.

Dear IT department the number you are thinking of is 420.

Well that's the number I am thinking of, but you never know.

New security measures at blogspot

Regular readers might see a drop in the number of new posts here. Blogspot have implemented new security measures. At the end of each new post I have to say 'Dear IT department the number you are thinking of is n' where n is a random prime number between 1 and 1000. If I guess wrong, blogspot delete the posting. This is tij on so many levels I don't know where to start. I just worked out there are over 500 prime numbers less than 1000, so it is going to be fucking hard for me to guess. I bet Haddock is involved. I am sorry dear readers because I had a lot to say today. BAH.


Dear IT department the number you are thinking of is 8752.

At animal care and control with flounder

Dude. Flounder's pet dog (named Guppy) got loose. We spent the entire morning driving around Glen Park looking for the little critter. A neighbour shot this video of him escaping, so please keep an eye out. We are now at animal care and control to see if someone handed him in.

Opening day of the new skateless field hockey season

Americans are looking forward to another year of their weird sport 'skateless field hockey'. They need to find a new name because 'skateless field hockey' just isn't catchy. The new season coincides with the beta of the Heron edition of the Gibbon and it looks like at least one team is dumping old Gibbon installs ready for the big day. And they are eating $11.9 million of a "contract"? Sometimes the US doesn't suck as hard as I say it does. I ate a fat contract with seabass last night.

New Self-Produced Reality Show Coming Soon

Even though my day job is hockey-player-slash-developer, I've got other outside interests. For example, I've always been real interested in making my own television programs. And last night, in the hot tub, we finally came up with the next great reality tv show.

So, with Flounder as producer, and Seabass hosting -- we're going to be filming "Moment of Gary" starting this weekend. It's just like that great show on Fox, Moment of Truth, except instead of causing divorces, we're going more highbrow.

Every episode, I'm going to be the one and only contestant. Each time I answer a set of questions truthfully, I win sandwiches and I have to eat em all before we move onto the next set of questions. That's the basic premise.

Also since we're Web2.0 crowdsourcing this tij -- please leave the questions you'd like asked in the comments.

Why I love Hockey

More on Starbucks

I went to the nearest Starbucks with Flounder on the way into work this morning. We wanted to see if they had breakfast sandwiches on clearance. No luck on that front, and also I think those douches have been reading my blog. They have started selling tea. Flounder made me this drink called a Bloody Mary and that went down quite well so I am switching to that.

Fuck you Starbucks I am drinking tea from now on

Those douches that run Starbucks decided to rip off the gibbon and build a site that lets you vote on new ideas. I hate it when the man can't innovate and has to steal ideas from hippies. See for yourself here and here.

And to make matters worse, they have stopped selling breakfast sandwiches. I just switched to tea you douchebags.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Ahh, this is slick. Ahh yeah. They got the fonts right. Fuck yeah.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Dude, it's all fucking working. Suck on that, gentoo boy.

I'm gonna take a screenshot to rub it into fake ben's face.

I gotta install the KDE screen grab program.

Fuck, this is how I fucked it up last time.

Why do I do this to myself?

fake gareth

Dude, someone called for fake gareth baker. That guy is in Australia. I told the caller I could look up his number but I had no idea how to dial it. It probably has fucking kangaroos in it or something.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

The Gibbon Heron deployment is tracking behind schedule because I spent half an hour looking at the CN Tower picture. That tower sure is hot.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

All right, what am I doing here?

Oh yeah, I'm burning a CD.

I don't see the lights blinking.

Whoop. Whoop. Whoop.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Dude, the Heron is gonna make my neck hurt.

Liveblogging the Gibbon Heron Edition

Dude, I just couldn't hold back. It's still fucking 26 days till the Gibbon Heron Edition's release, so I'm installing Gibbon Heron Preview Beta Edition. It's gonna be awesome. I'll liveblog every step of the way, because I know you're as excited about it as I am.

Man-gopher battles

Dude, after seeing that CN Tower link, Flounder had himself a Canadian man-gopher battle. He lost.

The Canadian Moose Renaissance

Everyone knows there's a Moose Renaissance going on in Canada. They're producing some kickass artwork and shit.

Even Google knows the CN Tower is the best

Look at the third hit.

Plans for the weekend

I know what I'm doing Saturday, April 12.

Chicks dig UNIX?

Tij. Any chick that knows what that is you should stay away from.

Stay the fuck away from my paradox

Some Greek asshole is claiming I stole his paradox. Fuck you, and I'll kick you in the falafel if you don't shut the hell up.

Sorry, I'm a little punchy. I had half a light beer this morning and it fucked me up.

Update: Baker's Paradox

I woke up in the hot tub this morning. I don't really remember what happened last night, but there was still the crust of a sandwich caught in the filter, so it looks like I proved Baker's Paradox.

I rule.

Baker's Paradox

Dude, I'm having a super-fat sandwich right now and I realize that I'm never going to finish it, because first I'm gonna eat half the sandwich (done), and then I'm gonna eat half of that half (done), and then half of that half (in progress), and I'll never actually stop having a half to eat. Me and Flounder and Seabass and Turtle did it with a chocolate bar back when we were lifeguards and as far as I know Seabass and Turtle are still at it.

Still recovering

Me and my buddy, Seabass, went hard again last night. My liver is still in shock from taking some drinking PTO time.

I know what I'll do next time. I can create a separate drinking branch and since all the alcohol would be getting checked into that branch, the main branch wouldn't be drinking. Problem solved.

New post

I just threw in the towel on the new post idea because the thinking stuff is too tijjie.

More on branches

I've added dependency injection with spring to my private branch. The fuckers at my work say I can never integrate that in, but that's fine with me, cuz I gots my branch.

Last will and testament

Dude, you all know I gave up booze till American St Patrick's Day. I calculated that in the 82 days I wasn't drinking, I missed 846 Molsons: 82 x (three wake up beers + 6 o'clock 6-pack + midnight beer snack). So as soon as the clock hit midnight (PDT, not UTC, 'cuz I wasn't waiting that fucking leap second), I got to it.

Anyway, after my second trip to the ER to get my stomach pumped, I started thinking about mortality, and who would look after the things that are most important in my life, so I wrote up this letter. I know it's rough stuff, but it's gotta be said.

Gotta go and buy more beer.

Things that would be fixed with multiple branches

Dude, and this is just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are tons more I'll come up with:

• Build breakages: if someone breaks the build in their branch, fuck 'em
• Compile times: you only need to compile your changes
• 100% productivity: no fucking week when your branch is locked
• Integrating into xxtreme plus tij: I wouldn't have to do it
  
• Migrating to 10g: just do the migration in a branch
• Quebecois separatists: they get their own branch of Canada
• When you are only in Montreal for one night and want to eat a full plate of poutine and a whole side of smoked beef: branch your stomach and eat both

Hakuna Matata

We have this great phrase in Canada: Hakuna Matata. It means "where's the poutine?" and also "the circle of life." I like to think the great offers available from fakegary embody the spirit of Hakuna Matata. Right now, they're offering matchmaking to get you married and cheating wife tracking to get you un-married. Dude, it's the full circle of life. Also, it's like poutine because you get a little of everything on one plate.

I wonder

I wonder when they invented flounder. I bet it was before the Rubik's Cube, but after haddock.

I wonder

I wonder why they didn't have Rubik's Cubes 400 years ago. Probably the guy who would have invented them was too busy cheating on his spouse. It's a good thing he didn't invent cell phones either, or else he would have been caught.

Dude, I'm in trouble now

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Dude, I'm in so much fucking trouble. Flounder just told me it's against the rules to ask your readers to click on ads. Now it's not just the Mounties, who, let's be honest, are kind of a joke, chasing me, but I've also got Google looking for me. Fuck. I'm gonna recompile the Gibbon to use Yahoo as my default search engine. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I can't go to jail over this. Who's gonna make Charlie his sandwiches? Fuck. And Google is totally going to find me, because they're a bunch of fucking pros at finding shit. Though they aren't as good as the professionals at Southern Professional Investigation, who will find your Cheating Spouse with their Retired GBI.

From cheating spouses to insurance fraud

From cheating spouses to insurance fraud. From grilled flounder to recipes from Red Lobster. It is all one click away. You will be helping Charlie. You will be buying stuff. Buying stuff makes you feel good. You need grilled flounder and your spouse might have underwear stains. Discover that cheating spouse and then buy "Tide to go" to remove those stubborn stains.

Bah. Swapped a boolean condition again

Bah. I just found a bug in my code. It said if married white women and it should have said if bang married white women.

Update to previous post

I'm sure you all heard about that NY governor who got caught by now. Well did you know, he got caught by cell phone? Those statistics really are legit.

Oh and boy was he stupid. Why'd he go all the way down to Washington for his hookups? There are millions of local women so much closer to home.

This post is brought to you by Local Cheating Wives

The google ads have brought in less money than I hoped for. Charlie is going to be working off student debt slower than you could hug a moose. I am going to have to sponsor each post for a while. So, dear readers, please support the sponsors of Fake Gary, without their help this would not be possible.

Did you know 9 Out of 10 cheating spouses are exposed by cell phone use? You need all the facts. Support our sponsor to the right of this post and use claim code 'Sasquatch Swingers' during checkout for a full 10% discount.

So much for Fake Moho

Dude, I guess Fake Moho didn't get to any of the things he said he was gonna get to. I got all steamed about it last night and was gonna show him what's what, hockey style, but then Flounder came over with these killer sandwiches and we hung out in the hot tub and I kinda forgot what I was all steamed about. So I guess it's tij under the brij.

Today's Guest Blogger: Fake Moho

Dude, I'm gonna be out today for Canadian Wildfowl Appreciation Day (not to be confused with American Canadian Wildfowl Appreciation Day, when Americans appreciate Canadian wildfowl, or American Canadian Wildfowl Appreciation Day, which is the American version of the day when Canadians appreciate wildfowl, or Canadian-American American Canadian Canadian-America Wildfowl Appreciation Day, when Canadian-Americans in American celebrate that Canadians are appreciating Canadian-American wildfowl).

Anyway, I've asked Fake Moho to do a guest blogging spot today. He's got a lot of stuff he wants to blog about, like RequestInfo and how he's going to rule the world with the helium silo in his Montana compound, so I'm just gonna let him take it away.

I bought this on ebay

One half of my Canadian tuxedo

http://cgi.ebay.com/Mens-Seven-Jeans-Color-TIJ-Cut-714760-NWT-Orig-172-00_W0QQitemZ350032211744QQihZ022QQcategoryZ11483QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

New data structure

Dude, one of my coworkers just explained the Hash Map to me. It's such a complex data structure that it can't be represented with cassingles. I've ordered some Bran Van flexi discs from eBay to see if they can help me figure it out.

Update: Clearing the air on tij

Fuck. In the last post, when I said Flounder was spreading tij about tij, I meant to say it was Turtle. Sorry Flounder.

Oh wait, Turtle is me. It was Haddock. I think.

Clearing the air on tij

Dude, Flounder has been spreading a lot of tij about tij, and I'm glad big companies like HP have stepped up to dispel some myths.

Taking the wife out to a nice dinner

After the shit I've been pulling lately, I figured it was time to treat the missus to a little something special. I'm taking her to a little place I heard was the tij.

New Roman Numerals

At work, in order to make things easier for us, the suits have implemented this naming system that is sort of like roman numerals.

Say for example you have something called Flounder. The next version of Flounder is called Flounder plus. The one after that is Flounder plus plus. Then we have Flounder extreme. The previous version of Flounder is called "tij Flounder". Actually I just made that last one up.

It makes life so much easier.

This fucker ripped me off

Dude, this fucker ripped off the book I'm writing. And wikipedia claims he wrote it in 1988, which we all know is fucking hogwash.

This record is the tij

\\lhorner-ws1\mp3\Battles\Mirrored

Track 10 is the tij.

I just booked PTO for the third day after the new moon of the Nepali month of Bhadra

I am flying out for this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tij_Festival

A couple of points:

1. The wikipedia entry says: 'The Tij songs allow women to affect change in their respective societies by giving them a public voice.'. I have plenty of Bran Van 4000 cassingles to take out there. I am sure they can always use new material.
2. Why cant they use the Canadian Calendar? All those Canadian backpackers in Nepal will be confused.
3. I ate a Nepalese sandwich once. It went down faster than you could kiss a flock of ducks.

Update: Duck Kissing

Dude, you yanks have been giving me a lot of tij over this whole kissing a duck thing. All I'm gonna say is: winter is long in Canada.

The new Subaru

The new Subaru is fast. It moves faster than you can kiss a duck. I am not talking about the Mighty Ducks. They move fast. They move faster than haddock on his new big wheel. They move faster than Flounder that time he heard about Jared's free sandwich day at our local Subway. They move faster than a Sharepoint server hosted on the latest 'tij from AMD and ATI. They move faster than VG after the market hears about the latest bunch of douches suing them. But nothing is as fast as the new Subaru. Faster than you can kiss a duck.

One time I dug a big hole in a beach, buried some sap up to his neck in sand and made him kiss a dead duck. A French kiss too.

Everything I know, I learned from cassingles

Dude, in my freshman year at the illegal underground private university I went to, I didn't really get the whole CS thing and I mostly ate sandwiches in the back of class. But then I got this professor who explained everything using cassingles and it totally opened my mind. Like, if you have a stack of BranVan cassingles and you put the rare Moose Stomp Megamix cassingle on top, then when you go to take one off, that's the one you get. But if it's a queue, you'll get the first one you put on, which is probably the unauthorized jam version of Eh, What's All This Aboot, because it kinda gets old after the first 40 minutes so I usually put it at the bottom of my pile. And then he explained how you can build anything with a stack, so I figured I'd learned everything I needed to know and dropped out.

I still have a stack of BranVan cassingles at my desk, for prototyping my code.

Free as in "Sponsored by Google"

Running this blog hasn't been cheap, especially with the run up of the Canadian dollar. So, I've decided to supplement my day job with Google AdWords. I'm hoping this allows me to buy sandwiches from British Columbia instead of tijey ones from Mexico.

Now listening to: Burger burger burger...Pizza!

A Fucking Scam

This FasTrak shit is a fucking scam. It costs $70 just to sign up with a credit card!

Protest Chant

I'm working on my protest chant but I got stuck.

SharePoint sucks!
SharePoint sucks!
SharePoint users are a bunch of ...

Douchebags? Corporate dupes chained to installed software? None of those roll off the tongue. Any ideas?

Fighting the power

Dude, I might not be posting as much the next couple days. I'm at the SharePoint Conference telling the man what's up. You can read my anti-SharePoint manifesto at http://x/manifesto

Thanks for the Cookies

Eating them while I ride around death valley on my latest invention.

Super Haxor h@DD0kk

The worst restaurant in the world

Dude, I fucking hate IHOP. It's crazy expensive, and the service is bad, and the name is totally pretentious.

Best Idea Ever

Eating all that sandwich got us hungry, and we started thinking about what would be the best thing ever to eat.

And there's nothing better than a huge bowl of poutine. Good thing the Canadian Broadcast Centre is holding a Poutine Party. We've decided to stop there on the way to Detroit.

ooooh its gonna be so good. dumdeedumdeedum.

Sidetracked in Northern California

We were well on our way to Detroit when Flounder said we had to make a pit stop for a sandwich break.

Dude. I can't even see straight right now. I'm impressived that I can blog.

Dooo deeee dooo doo!

Is this dude trash talking the Gibbon?

This guy says that the Gibbon is like Obama. I've lived in this country for fucking forever now, but I still don't understand the "president" concept. Best I can figure out, it's like the Queen only there's some kind of voting that happens. I gather this "Obama" guy wants to be the new Queen of America, but that sounds like a pretty stupid idea because, dude, a guy as your Queen? So I don't know if that guy is disrespecting the Gibbon or not.

Heading to Detroit

Believe it or not, Detroit is not officially part of Canada, despite our best efforts and the continual winning by the Red Wings. I'm going there this week with a couple of the fellers from my hockey team to eat this burger.

Fake Gary will never be a Master of the Universe

Haddock here, and I just wanted to let Fake Gary know that he will never be a Master of the Universe. My brother is already a Master of the Universe, and he will do everything in his awesome power to ensure that Fake Gary never ascends to the throne of Castle Greyskull.

Also, what kind of a Master of the Universe name is "Fake Gary"? Maybe Flound-Or could make it, but Fake Gary has no chance.

Master of the Universe

I've spent Canadian American President's day by getting my paperwork all finished and applying to officially be an Ubuntu MOTU. Flounder says if I can be a Master of the Universe and Multiverse, Haddock will finally have to respect my l337 skillz.

For once, Haddock is right

The title of your blog says it all Haddock dude.

Make up your fucking minds

We all know Gibbon Heron edition comes out soon. Next up is Gibbon Heron Edition Service Pack Ibex. That's a mouthful. The people who give us freedom on a disk decided to come up with a short name. Only problem is they keep changing it every 3 seconds or something. Fucking douches. Have a look for yourself.

JTCFY

Dude, there are a bunch of lazy fuckers here that don't want to fix their tij. Whenever I see that, I tell them JTCFY (Just Fix The Fucking Tij).

Haddock: 1, Canada: 0

Hey fake Gary, I built something taller than your weak CN Tower in my back yard. And it doesn't cost CN$15 to go to the top, either:

                         _                      
 ____  _ _ __  ___ _ _  | |_ _____ __ _____ _ _ 
(_-< || | '_ \/ -_) '_| |  _/ _ \ V  V / -_) '_|
/__/\_,_| .__/\___|_|    \__\___/\_/\_/\___|_|  
        |_|                                     
 _              __        _            _    _         _   
| |_  __ ___ __/  \ _ _  | |_  __ _ __| |__| |___  __| |__
| ' \/ _` \ \ / () | '_| | ' \/ _` / _` / _` / _ \/ _| / /
|_||_\__,_/_\_\\__/|_|   |_||_\__,_\__,_\__,_\___/\__|_\_\
                                                          

Haddock is here again

Hello Gary. I have been busy. Been working on some new bikes, but I also got back into the ASCII art scene with this creation.

  /\  /\__ _  __| | __| | ___   ___| | __
 / /_/ / _` |/ _` |/ _` |/ _ \ / __| |/ /
/ __  / (_| | (_| | (_| | (_) | (__|   < 
\/ /_/ \__,_|\__,_|\__,_|\___/ \___|_|\_\ 

Not looking forward to July

The douche who sits near me takes this very seriously.

New rules for Charlie's college fund

That fucking swear jar was killing me. I have a new system in place. In order to get his college funds into that fucking jar Charlie has to mail in the barcodes from his diapers. We now have an upper limit of funds and if Charlie fails to meet the criteria each quarter then tough fucking tij. Ate a Cockroach Tikka Masala and used too many diapers in a day? Sorry Chaz. Constipated? Then I luck out in two ways, Chazza boy.

Charlie: if you are reading this, sorry dude, but I need to eat.

World's Best Magazines

Here's another list for you fuckers: the world's best magazines

1. Hockey Times
2. Hockey News
3. Hockey Times-News
4. New Hockey Times
5. Moose Fancy
...
49,999. Tij Illustrated
50,000. Forbes

Bah.

Fucking Yank Propaganda

The fucking yanks still refuse to acknowledge the CN Tower. It's a fucking outrage. How would they like it if I published this list of the world's largest countries?

1. Canada
2. Northwest Territory, Canada
3. Montreal's Meat Smoker
4. Russia
5. China
6. Fucking Mexico or some shit
7. Not the US

Take that, bitches.

Coming in to work early

I just did one of these. Tillie is hiding under the couch.

Damn fucking right

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/02/11/63-expensive-sandwiches/

Cheap, good sandwiches are better of course

Sandwiches Just Got Better

Holy shit dude. Makes all the 'tij in life go away.

http://bacon.frymybacon.com/2007/11/28/sandwiches-just-got-better/

Why does Canada rule?

A lot of my readers ask me this question. The simple answer is: Canadian Valentine's Day. We celebrate it on February 15th (using the American Calendar of course). That means I can buy discounted chocolates, cards and all that other 'tij you are supposed to buy. Even flowers. Sure they are a day old, but who gives a crap anyway?

Note: If you are reading this and you are married to me, I didn't post this. That bastard Haddock is at it again. Honest.