Weekend Plans

5 words: Hardy Heron Alpha released.

Telescopes

Fuck. I always forget which end of the telescope to look in.

Fucking Work

The fucking cocksuckers at work want me to do this new project. As it is, I barely have time to make post-it notes making fun of Thom and his telescope.

Good Yank

Up in Canada, we say "The only good Yank is a dead Yank."

Broken Tail

Dude, the fucking vet wants $1000 to fix Tillie's tail. WTF? How hard is it? Can't he just give it a good yank?

Some Mexican songs I'm learning

• Las Tortas Gobiernan
• La Platija Pasó el Gas en la Tina Caliente Otra Vez
• Ay, No es el Gas
  
• ¿Güey, Qué la Chingar?
• ¿Güey, Q.L.C?
• ¿Seriamente, Q.L.C?
• Chingaaaaaaaaaaaaar
  

Mounties closing in

DUDE. I saw a mountie at glen park station. I think they are closing in. Good job I ate another burrito today. I think I pass for a Mexican now. The other week I swapped a sandwich for a CD from one of those jukeboxes at the La Taqueria. Been learning some of the songs on the uke.

Casual Friday

Only 3 weeks until Canadian Christmas. I am starting to celebrate early.

Anyone know how to fix a dog's tail?

Tillie broke hers last night getting out of the hot tub.

Sorry about Paz

Dude, I've been getting some complains from you guys about Paz's bad behavior. Flounder and I are gonna go have a talk with him to try to set him straight. We're going to try an old Canadian trick called Good Mountie / Bad Mountie. I'm bringing a sandwich and Flounder is bringing his hockey stick.

Like... WTF????

DUDE.

WTF? W.T.F. ?

Microsoft IntelliJ

IntelliJ is like fucking Windows, needs a restart every so often.

Oh Look

Oh. Oh Wow.

I am a Mexican food eating lion

Yesterday I ate one meal. The day before I ate one meal.

My filing system

At home, I like to keep all my stuff in trash cans. It works really good most of the time, except sometimes I throw trash into one of the trash cans and then it's just messy.

Back online again no thanks to those bastards at comcast

I am back online no thanks to those bastards at Comcast. Some dude or chick called 'Linksys' doesn't have their wireless locked down so I am stealing it until further notice. Right now, thanks to Mr or Ms Linksys, I am downloading FLACs of all Branvan 3000 live sets from back from when they were Branvan 1000. What kind of name is Linksys anyway? I swear that Charlie will be the only kid in his class with a normal name. Flounder, Baz, Daz and Paz agree about this.

BTW: I also stole the new Celine Dion CD all thanks to 'Linksys'. The fast songs rock as hard as ever and the slow ones are perfect background music for a sandwich.

If I dont read your comments...

I am sorry but I was in the can.

Some Words That Charlie Has Learned This Week

Bah
Dude
Fuck
Fuuuuuuck
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I think he learned them from Flounder.

WOW!!! Look at that!

Intellij 7 is sweet. You checked in that thing and I got this thing to say I have an outdated thing.

DSL Turned Off

Dude, this is fucked up shitij. I was in a hurry last month when the DSL payment guy came by and I gave him the suitcase with a million *Canadian* dollars, which was for the hockey insurance guy, instead of a million *US* dollars, which was for the DSL. He should have been happy about that, because that's like three million US dollars, but instead he said he didn't take "fucking Loonies" and sent his hitman to turn off my DSL. And just to spite me, he turned off my pirated cable too.

Fuck this shitij. I'm moving back to Canada. I hear they have a deal where you can get DSL for $750,000 a month.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Is It The 27th?

If so: Ohhhh-ahhh-hooo!

Saskatchewan Roughriders

DUDE. Forgot to blog about this but I assume you know anyway. Congrats to the Saskatchewan Roughriders who won the world famous Grey Cup. Next year you watch them kick everyone around on their way to the Black Cup *and* the Grey Cup.

One thing I can't work out: why do people laugh when I say 'Saskatchewan Roughriders'.

hot tub shutdown until further notice

BULSHITIJ DUDE.

Got the PG+E bill. It is as pretty as the face of your average NHL veteran. I used this graph for my budget assuming San Francisco would be similar to Portland, but now I must assume these douches were talking about Portland New Mexico or some other bullshitij place.

Opportunity of a lifetime

So dude. I came in late to today because I was over at my sandwich maker's flat late last night picking up a fresh batch of sandwiches. And while we were tasting the new batch of sandwiches, he told me and Baz about an opportunity of a lifetime. Apparently I can get in on the ground floor for the franchising of these restaurants. I can't believe how good an idea this is! I mean who wouldn't want to eat every meal combining their favorite daily activities? Oh, and I've already run the numbers past Dr Benonomics and even he agrees this is a can't miss.

Another reason why Canada rules

Up there in British North America we just got this thing called 'Tivo'. This thing will change the way you watch TV. You Yankee Doodle Dandies will be sooo jealous when you understand what it does.

If it is Gadgets, smoked meats or our currency one thing is certain. Canada Rules.

The question I always ask before doing anything

"What is that going to do for me?"

Unless its like voting. In which case its okay if its for the Canadian Prime Minister.

Idea That Will Make My Second Million CA Dollars

We spend way too much time on this method and variable bullshitij at work. I am working on a new idea that will revolutionise the software industry. One method for all apps known and unknown:

public static Object method(String action, Map params) {
   if ("bah".equals(action)) {
      ...
   } else if ("dude".equals(action)) {
      ...
   }
}

Now after you pick yourself up from the floor don't go stealing my idea. I filed for a patent and I will sue the hell out of you. Or fart in your general direction.

And yes. I said it will make me a million *CA* dollars. I am talking something that still means something.

Fucking Perforce

Man.

Hit the build bitch with a bottle cap

Took his eye out. It was only a web developer so who gives a shitij?

Dude....

Do you think I can hit our Chief Software Architect with this bottle top from here?

I am out of here

Just let out something that smells like a dead rat. My aisle is like a bay area beach right now. Wear a hazmat suit until further notice.

Happy Canadian Kwanzaa

Goodwill to all men named after fish.

100th Post!

Dude, 100th post! I rule!

Benonomics

This dude claims he went to London School of Economics and he does not know the basics of Demand/Supply.

Fake Thanksgiving

This whole American Thanksgiving is total tij. I'm still going to celebrate, but since the US dollar is so cheap now, we had to skimp on the smoked meat and ice beer. Instead, we're going to just have to crank up the branvan and eat lobster "sandwich" rolls. (anybody know any lobster shacks open in downtown SF this time of year?) I'm going to be wearing my 'I heart Martin Frobisher' t-shirt -- what's your country got to celebrate for?

Jesus

I'm not into religion much myself, but I totally respect "WWJD" because Jesus was a pretty chill dude and so anything he would do is probably a good idea. I'm trying to follow that in my life. So far I've only done it at the barber shop. Also once Flounder brought over some fucking money changers and I had to throw their asses out of the hot tub.

Shady Dude

I've seen this dude hanging around my office. He looks totally shady. Do you think I should report him to the mounties?

"Scrum"

Dan just told me I have to go to this "scrum" thing every day. He acted like I should have known what it was. Isn't that the slime that collects on the bottom of your smoked meat smoker? If it is, I'm all for it, because that's some good shit.

Stupid Doormat

Dude, can you believe someone would buy this doormat and actually use it?

It should say "There's no place like 127.0.0.1/8".

A Fucking Charade

I refuse to understand our fucking charade of a branching strategy because it would make my brain as dumb as the people who designed it. Do I check my change into prod, or freeze, or prod-freeze? Fuck. Who's the genius who decided to make a more frozen branch than freeze?

If we used subversion all this fucking bullshitij wouldn't have happened.

Also, why should I have to integrate into extreme?

Oil Barons

Dude, some of my hoser friends are getting together to buy an oil company. Anyone wants in, let Gaz know.

flounder spamming again

BAH.

I just noticed this

DUDE.

Flounder, we had a deal. We only hype VG with our spam. And who are you fooling with that 'nonsmoking flounder' bullshitij?

You are hereby served with a 2 week hot tub ban. That back hair is a major problem anyway so this is probably just as well.

One Sandwich per child

I was talking to Baz, Daz and Gaz (wait that's me). How could we rip off the 'One laptop per child' project? We are starting 'One sandwich per child'. Buy a sandwich for a child and get one for yourself.

Here is Baz with his new 'one laptop per child' laptop just after we finished the 10th sandwich that we now owe to some kid somewhere.

My Doppelganger

So while surfing my million dollar dsl, I decided to do some vanity searches and I found out that someone already took my MySpace page. This dude isn't Canadian, and Flounder isn't in his friends network, so you know you can't trust him. Can you believe he's got a higher Google rank than me? That's bullshitij. Though props for where he lives -- Horny House -- it sounds like a good candidate for the next Ubuntu release name.

Ubuntucon

Yo, me and Flounder are dressing up as our favorite unix commands for Ubuntucon. I'm dressing as fsck and he's dressing up as chmod. If anyone wants to join us, let me know. I'll post pictures.

Idea that will make me a CA Dollar Millionaire

We spend way too much time of this database schema bullshitij at work. I am working on a new idea that will revolutionise the software industry. One table for all apps known and unknown:

create table gary.my_table(
my_lookup number not null,
my_value varchar2(4000));

Now after you pick yourself up from the floor don't go stealing my idea. I filed for a patent and I will sue the hell out of you. Or fart in your general direction.

And yes. I said *CA* Dollar Millionaire. I am talking something that still means something.

Operating System Upgrade Time!

So, last night, while I was hanging out in the hot tub with Flounder with some sandwiches, we got to talking on Operating Systems. Now, while I'm as big an Ubuntuhead as there is out (anyone else going to be at Ubuntucon next week and wanna eat some sandwiches before the keynote?), Flounder introduced me to something new that blew my mind. Freesbie! See, its even got a cool name like frisbee (dude, remind me one day to tell you about the frisbee throwing I used to do as a lifeguard) and its based on FreeBSD. Dude, I love its hippy ideals.

Check out this trip down memory lane. That's me showing off some moves back in college!

I'm So Over Indexes

Dude, it's Tamagotchi all over again: I learned about database indexes a couple months ago, and I totally loved them and used them all the time, but now I'm bored of them and haven't used one in weeks. I hear triggers are cool. I should look into those.

Bran Van

Dude, Flounder just told me that Bran Van is now 3000 instead of 2000. I know time feels slower when you eat a sandwich, but holy shit, 1000 years? I wonder if there's a new Gibbon release.

Dude.

I hope they still have sandwiches here in the year 3000.

I love Saturdays

Dude. I am so glad it is Saturday.

Hot tub woes

Flounder came over last night and it looks like his backhair clogged the filter in the hot tub. Right now it looks like the pump motor burnt out too. Dude, how many times have I told him to get some manscaping done. We live in San Francisco FFS. Flounder uses his lush back carpet for income sometimes. He was the stunt double for wookie #7 in the last Star Wars movie. Which was shitij I might add. Not flounder, he was the shitij.


Anyway, another round of $1M DSL expense claims, problem solved.

I rule.

Expanding Minds

When I leave my desk, I like to leave my music playing to broaden my cubemates' horizons. Dude, they didn't even know who fucking Branvan 2000 was.

Canadian Sports Almanac, entry 1

Growing up in Canada, we used to play a great game in recess called foot hockey. It was just like hockey, but you could even play without sticks. I'm thinking about starting a local league. Canada rules.

what a hunk of shit

DUDE. WTF.

Seriously.

Hockey = Work

There are more trades between teams at my work than an entire NHL season.

Seriously worried I might end up with a boss that only has one job.

Friday?

Hey, same thing as last week: could someone post in the comments to let me know if it's Friday today. I think I had a sandwich and came up with some kind of goddamn slander about Molson that was going to tell me which day it was, but I don't remember how it worked now. Molson rules.

Boss working at his second job

My boss has two jobs. He works 3 days a week at my place and then 'works from home' 2 days a week at another company. He picks up two salaries. He is pretty smart and I suppose thats why he is a boss.

Dear boss,

I am also working from 'home' today. Or at least I haven't showed up yet.

Thanks,
Gary

Hockey Insurance: The Outrage Continues

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this fucking hockey insurance bullshit. So you're telling me if I want to buy one of these, I have to pay for it myself? Not just a copay but the whole amount? It's an outrage!

Hockey Insurance, Continued

Dude, our fucking HR cocksuckers just told me the company doesn't provide hockey insurance for employees. That's fucking hogwash. In Canada every citizen gets free socialized hockey, curling, ice fishing, and moose racing insurance, and I just fucking assumed that it was a standard benefit here. What the fuck? Since Jody isn't working full time any more I assumed Charlie would be covered by my hockey insurance. I just took him to a game, and now they're going to fucking deny my claim.

Bah. This country is horseshit.

Hockey Insurance

Everybody keeps acting all confused about hockey insurance. Dude, what the fuck? It's exactly like curling insurance, except for hockey.

Random thoughts

Maybe it is the head injury. Maybe it is the new sandwich filling. Somehow I feel more lucid than normal. Four things:

1. I just noticed that sticks can be considered 'brown and sticky' and so can a fresh turd. With the writers strike going on I might try and sell this new joke to a late night host.

2. The President of Pakistan is a bit of a douche. His so called elections will be a farce.

3. Flights to Romania are cheap right now. I need to beat up someone over there. Assuming they are smaller than me.

4. Ben Fry likes 'make'. I should 'make' my foot kick his ass.

New Blog Feature -- Podcasts!

For the inaugural (that means first ever for you French-Canadian readers) Fake Gary Podcast, I'm going to do Native American War Chants. Sing along with me, and please do a little Tomahawk Chop too!

Ohhhh ohhhhhhhhh ohhh!

Not All There Today

I took a gnarly header to the boards last night, so if I'm not all there today, you'll

Another Stock Pick

Dude, I traded so much of this stock last night that Jody made me sleep in the Subaru.

Buy and Hold

You all know I only buy stocks to hold for at least a year. Here are some other things I like to hold for at least a year before using:

• TV Guide
• Hash Browns
  
• Meat

Discrimination

Dude, this is hogwash. Google got sued over a patent and their stock is still at 630, and Vonage is at 2. The market is discriminating against Vonage because it's Canadian. It's a fucking outrage.

English Fact of the Day

Little known fact: "Done" is the past tense of "Do".

Research Report: ETFC, VG

Dude, I'm cutting my rating on E-Trade (ETFC) from "Fuck Yeah" to "Fuck No" and lowering my price target from 1/2000th of a Subaru to 1/300th of a TechOps dinner.

I'm reiterating my rating of "Fucking Awesome" on Vonage (VG) and raising my price target three orders of magnitude.

Ubuntuheads unite

Hey U-heads! What's going on? PCLinuxOS has been more popular on my favorite site, DistroWatch, for over 6 months now. We need to rise up and assault this crappy Mandrake-based OS. Who's with me?

Off to Mexico

I got an email from the "Canada Revenue Agency" it has a subject of "Tax Avoidance Scheme Complaint".

DUDE. WTF.

I tend to be Libertarian in my views on taxes. I don't believe in them. Anyway I am keeping an eye out for Mounties around Glen Park station. The moment I see one, we take the Subaru and flee to Mexico.

Is it friday

If you could let me know in the comments I would be grateful.

Poncy Panini

Due to popular demand, I have just pressed four copies of the lastest version of the popular Sandwich distribution "Poncy Panini": This is the most commonly used Sandwich distribution in our office and therefore you will have the most luck getting help with any ingestion troubles, etc. There is even a guy in IT running it.

Collective Gibbons

Dude, I had a good sandwich last night and got to thinking about the collective gibbons again. So I looked it up. If they're monopolistic commercial gibbons, it's a troop of gibbons, but if they're open source gibbons, it's a freeness (as in beer) of gibbons.

Beer rules.

RAC

RAC is whack.

Seriously dude. If I could have an intelligent conversation around here we would be on a Beowulf Gibbon cluster.

What is the collective noun for gibbons? Gang? I think Gibbons might be apes. My experience with animals is limited to beavers, moose the odd goose. I think the collective noun for apes is 'A shrewdness, or troop of apes'.

I rule.

Mnemonics

Dude, this is far out. I just had a meeting with Dan and he said he's not going to call me every morning to remind me to come in to work and that I should just assume I'm supposed to come in every Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. Dude, that's a shitload of days. How the hell am I supposed to remember that? But then I remembered something Gordie Howe taught me in a filmstrip: use a mnemonic to remember tough things like this. Dude, he's fucking smart as hell. This is what I've come up with:

Molson
Tastes
Worse
Than
Fuck

Which works, except it's not true at all. Molson is awesome.

Any suggestions?

Oh Shit

I just remembered that I have work today. I'd better get my ass in there.

Best Afternoon. Ever.

I went home early today -- cause my calendar was free -- ate a fat sandwich, sat in the hot tub, and debated with Flounder about the new names for upcoming Ubuntu releases . Awesome. I honestly can't wait for Talky Tortoise. He says nothing will ever beat Edgy Eft, but clearly the Ubuntuheads disagree.

Really, is there any better way to spend an afternoon?

If only...

...they made sandwiches like this. Dude, and its already 2pm. I'ma go out for a bit. Nothing on my calendar.

I Gotta Figure Out This Calendar Thing

Dude, this is getting fucked up. People keep telling me they've put things on my calendar, but every time I look at it, there's nothing on it. It's fucking hogwash is what it is.

Here's a photo of my calendar right now. Do you see any fucking interviews or team meetings on it?

Fake Gary Overview Diagram

I got creative on the weekend. What am I missing from this diagram before I throw it on the wiki?

Just ate some leftover food

Dude.

No hot tub for me tonight.

Reading

is hogwash.

Oh wait

Never mind. Found it

Lost Blog

It's true. I did lose my blog (but that stuff about me being a dork is a big lie). I used it to get onto the floor. It has my pass card in it, so it's got to be here somewhere. If you see it, let me know.

Hum

Huhhhh - Hummmmm - hummm -hum- huhhhhhhh hummmmmmm


DUDE I love that song.