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Mexican Sandwiches, or how I learned to Torta

Since nobody's at the office today, I cut out a little early and met up with Baz and his buddy Dez downtown. Dez is the shit. I was chatting it up about how I was dying for a Mexican sandwich given the whole Humboldt sandwich drought. And Dez is like, "follow me". We had to walk a little bit out of the way, but we ended up somewhere over in the mission and holy shit. We got the legendariest mexican sandwich you've ever seen.

Did I mention Dez is the shit?


Now Playing: Damn it

Now Eating: Sandwiches from Mexican heaven

Yes!

So while the rest of my coworkers are off doing who knows what, I just got an email from Flounder. The new alpha of Hardy Heron is out. Gotta go install that shit.

Now Playing: Still K Fed. Damn he's good. Is he Canadian?

Now Eating: Dreaming of a burrito-sandwich combo

How come nobody is at work today?

Where fuck is everyone?

Now Playing: K Fed's Playing with Fire!

Now Eating: How come none of the restaurants are open today? Dude. I'm hungry.

They are making a movie about the life of Haddock??!!

DUDE! WTF! The dude that wore the Gollum suit in the Hobbit films is going to play Haddock in a set of movies about his life.

http://www.cinematical.com/2007/12/15/andy-serkis-reteams-with-peter-jackson-on-tintin/

Now playing: Fuck. This thing is a PoS that wont die

Now eating: Canadian Bacon and smoked meat on wheat.

Or is this the real Haddock?

Dude. I did a bit of web searching on trusty Uboogle and what did I learn about about Haddock?

That he's a mean sea captain who cusses non stop. There are entire web pages devoted to his cursing.

I bet this is the same drunk sea captain that had a SUI (sailing under the influence) and rammed his freighter into the bay bridge.

I'm going to setup a honeypot to catch him. How am I gonna do that? Well, shittyjay, I'm glad you asked. First off, I'm gonna eat a sandwich. Then me and Flounder are gonna figure this out.

Now playing: How do I turn this thing off?

Now eating: Honey ham and aged cheddar cheese with extra pickles on sourdough

Solving the mystery behind the identity of Haddock

I did some digging around. Turns out Haddock had been living in the UK for a while. Not only does he build bikes, he builds a lot of other crazy stuff too. This dude has real talent that should be redirected to something other THAN HACKING MY BLOG.

http://www.nickhaddock.co.uk/jetkart.htm


Now playing: Still disabled. I am trying a new now eating plugin instead

Now eating: Turkey and cranberry sandwich on rye

CAUGHT YOU HADDOCK DUDE!

So I got home tonight and did a full reinstall of the gibbon to remove any backdoors installed by haddock. While I was looking around the back of the PC I found this device plugged into the serial port and hidden behind one of the lava lamps:




That Haddock was pleading poverty but all along he was planting snooping devices in the house. Flounder insists that Haddock is misunderstood. Haddock really pulled a number on him. Flounder says Haddock has a compulsive disorder and that we should try to understand him a little more and condemn him a little less.

FUCK THAT.

Now playing: Disabled until I can determine there are really no backdoors.

hell0 4G41N G4RY

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 ________ ________   ___________
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|___|  (____  /\____ \____ |\____/ \___  >__|_ \
    \/     \/      \/    \/           \/     \

Sorry Gary, I can't help myself

hEY g4Ry,

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|/     \||/     \|(______/ (______/ (_______)(_______/|_/    \/
                                                              

Got up early today

I got up at 4:30am to line up with all the other bargain hunters. I was outside Best Buy at 4:45am for the start of the Canadian Boxing Day sales. It was pretty quiet which amazed me. Just me and some dudes named Marlin and Pilchard.

Now Playing: Mike Myers sings the blues.

This Town Sucks Hairy Moose Balls

Dude, our stock is up $4 (US dollars, but still). So naturally I wanted to go out and get drunk on the stock price. But there aren't any fucking bars open at 9:30 in the morning. Dude, WTF? What kind of a one-moose town is this? In Toronto the Queen personally ensures that every bar is open by 6 am to serve Crown Royal and Molson for the morning commuters.

Bah. Good thing Uncle Moose brought some of his moonshine. It tastes like fucking beaver piss, but desperate times.

Time to go Dutch

Not only do they have some of the finest sandwich shoppes in the world, the Netherlands are going open-source in 2008. Dude, Canada needs to get more progressive beyond just the hockey insurance for all children legislation they introduced last year.

Biking Mishap

Haddock's having it rough. He's got a family emergency. Apparently there was a miscommunication and/or a wager gone bad, and now his uncle Halibut is facing prosecution for something their family would never do. Even I know how highly sacred they treat the bicycle.

So in the spirit of Canadian Xmas, I hope you blog readers will pitch in some money to help his cause!

Now listening to: Under the mistletoe in Outer Saskatchewan

The Miracle of Canadian Christmas

So yesterday I told you about Haddock reduced to living out of a recycle bin. After Canadian Christmas dinner we were all sitting around the table and he told us his story. He is a Visual Basic developer who can't find a job. He got laid off a few years ago and has been living off making sandwiches and building bicycles ever since. Dude. Did I feel mean. I feel like I am part of his problems with all my Gibbon promotion work. With the last minute invitation, we forgot to buy him a present too. I felt like a complete 'tij.

And that's when the miracle of Canadian Christmas happened.

Uncle Moose suggested we all donate a part so Haddock can build one of those rickshaw things. Haddock could then build a business around ferrying fatties from Pancho Villa near the ferry building to In 'N Out in Fisherman's Wharf. Moose isn't as stupid as he looks. So I donated my front wheel from my motorbike, Charlie donated the back wheels from a Tonka Toy. Bruce donated his hat (he said it could make a seat, it is a stupid hat so maybe it will make a better seat). Before long Haddock was giving a ride to Flounder all the way to Twin Peaks and back. Those two have become firm friends.

After they got back we listened to the Queens Canadian Christmas speech broadcast from the CN tower. She told us where our taxes went over the last year. Prince Phil got a solid diamond knee joint. Prince Charles got all the smog tests done for his Aston Martins. And we even managed to pay for rehab for Prince Andrew's kids.

This is why Canadian Christmas shits on American Christmas. This was a Canadian Christmas miracle.

Now playing: God save the Queen some cash for the next year.

The start of Canadian Christmas

It is finally here. The time since Canadian Thanksgiving just seemed to drag along. We already gave Bruce his present. We found a place on Haight that sells authentic retro wooden false teeth. Bruce says the new teeth are working out OK, so maybe we won't need to use the blender today after all.

I removed all hard drives from the PCs and laptops. I think Haddock has turned over a new leaf but I want to make sure we have no hacking episodes today. How am I blogging now? That's a secret.

Now playing: Santa's Sleigh got stuck on the Trans Canada Highway.

Just called Flounder about Haddock

Just spoke to Flounder to warn him about Haddock showing up on his tricycle tomorrow. Flounder took a while to calm down. Started to rant about his family having a rich heritage in professional wrestling. I pointed out the bee-ess-tij in this since 93% of Canadians are related to at least one professional wrestler. Flounder said he planned to body slam Haddock faster than you could refactor some crap in Intellij. Then I told Flounder about some sandwiches Haddock planned to bring. All of a sudden it is Silent Night, Sandwich Night, All is calm, all is quiet.

Speaking of Wrestling, in my other fake life, I maintain:

http://www.garywill.com/wrestling/canada/

"garywill" is short for Gary will kick your ass.

Now playing: Drop Kicking around the Christmas Tree by Triple H.

People shouldn't have to live like this at Canadian Christmas

We were driving along Dolores near the park and we spotted someone familiar. It turns out Haddock has been evicted from his house for rent arrears. You know we don't see eye to eye, especially after he helped that Ben dude hack the blog. Anyway, Haddock is living out what can only be described as a big recycle bin (a real life one not the one that sits on the gibbon desktop). Also, just keep this between you and me, but dude was looking like a lady. Clearly this whole episode has upset our bike building nemesis.

IT IS CANADIAN CHRISTMASTIME FOR FUCKSAKE!

Haddock is going to come over to our place for Canadian Christmas. Flounder is just going to have to deal with it. No one should have to dress like a trannie and live in a bin on this day of most special days.





Now playing: All I want for Canadian Christmas is youtube (to work on 64bit gibbon) Celine Dion Crimes against music megamix.

The Night Before Canadian Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a moose.

Now Playing: On the fifth day of Canadian Christmas my true love gave to me: Five Gold Ice Rinks.

Fucking Discrimination

Dude, this is a fucking outrage. It's clear-fucking-cut discrimination. I'm writing my member of parliament. My work isn't respecting my cultural heritage: they give two days off for American "Christmas" (if you can even call a holiday that doesn't have the Festive Beaver and Wayne the Red-Nosed Hockey-Playing Moose "Christmas") and zero days off for the real Canadian Christmas.

WTF?

Uncle Bruce said he's going to go kick some ass. At least that's what I think he said. He lost one of his six remaining teeth in the Canadian Christmas Pudding last night, and now he's even harder to understand. Plus, when he's drunk he forgets to end his sentences in "Eh," which just throws me the hell off.

Now listening to: On the eleventh day of Canadian Christmas my HR Department gave to me: no fucking maids a-milking the Canadian Christmas Elks because they're racist bastards.

Like Canadian satellite tv, but better

So, I think I may finally be able to ditch my Canadian satellite tv dish. Soon I'll be able to watch all sorts of fine programming through iTunes Canada. I mean now I can catch all the old episodes of Corner Gas (what a great name for a show!) since it was only available on cable before.

Now listening to: Damn do I wish the Gibbon had iTunes.

Fake Ben Says: Breaking into this blog is as easy as stealing candy from a baby

Dude, breaking into this blog was as easy as stealing candy from a baby. Really, I tried it: it took me 12.7 seconds, on average, to take a piece of candy from a baby, and only 11.2 seconds to break into this blog.

Anyway, now that I'm here, I wanted to give you guys another economics lesson. You know how you hear people say the US Dollar isn't worth the paper it's printed on? It's true. The paper is made from cotton and linen, two of the rarest substances on earth. In fact, cotton is so expensive that they build airliners out of titanium instead of cotton, even though titanium is 15 times heavier than cotton.

Now listening to: "Like A Rock" by Bob Seger, which he made a ton of money on. It fell through his floor when they delivered it.

Sasquatch will be the next Brian Melo

I brought out the uke tonight. Sasq started to sing along to 'Honky Tonk Woman' and 'No Woman no cry'. That furry bastard brought tears to my eyes. Such passion. A little pitchy in the middle but dawg did he bring it in the end.

So when Sasq gets back to his den in BC he is entering Canadian Idol.

Now Playing: On the tenth day of Canadian Christmas my true love gave to me: ten members of the House of Lords a leaping.

Teejay

Fuck. This whole Snooker drug scandal is totally bee-ess-teejay. All my non-hockey heroes are having their names smeared. I don't believe it. Big Bill Werbeniuk just wouldn't do that to Great Canada. And dude, can people just put anything on Wikipedia?

A memorable incident occurred during a televised World Championship Match against Dennis Taylor at the Crucible. Werbeniuk attempted to stretch across the table, but due to his size was having some difficulty. Eventually, the inevitable happened and he broke wind loudly. With the audience, referee and Taylor trying to hold in their laughter, Werbeniuk got off the table, turned to the audience and said: "Who did that?"

Total teejay.

Sandwich of Excellence

Even though all these relatives have been visiting and sometimes Sasq gets on everyones nerves, there is some upside. Like, the 2007 Sandwich of Excellence winner straight from BC that cousin Goose brought down. Dude, this competition is just like coffee's Cup of Excellence except its with sandwiches instead of coffee. My god its good. I dunno if its the Humboldt drought that's making me say this, but BC sandwiches are the best in the world and this sack of sandwiches from Goose is just legendary.

Now listening to: On the 2nd day of Canadian Christmas my cousin gave to me, Seven Golden Sandwiches

More on the CN Tower

Another fact you may not know about the CN Tower is that it's an order of magnitude taller than the next tallest building in the world.

Now listening to: On the third day of Canadian Christmas my true love gave to me: Three French Separatists from fucking Quebec.

Our wonderful CN tower

I was in the hot tub sharing a sandwich with Moose, Goose, Bruce, Sasquatch and Flounder (it is a big tub). We were talking about how shitij the buildings are in the US. Sasquatch powered up his portable Gibbon device and showed me this unpatriotic site. These dudes need a little more respect for their country.

Now playing: We are the beaver by the arrogant worms.

The US is the eagle, Russia is the bear,
Australia is the kangaroo, cause they're kind of weird down there.
Yeah, India is the tiger, that stands so proud and tall,
But Canada is the greatest of them all.

We are the beaver, we're furry and we're free
Yeah, we are the beaver, we got two big front teeth
Yeah, we are the beaver, we can chew right through small trees
We are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver.

You might think a rodent is a pretty lame choice
For a national animal, but don't you listen to that voice.
No, cause all them birds and predators, just take from the land
But the beaver, always gives a dam.

We are the beaver, we got cute little webbed feet
Yeah, we are the beaver, it's bark we like to eat
Yeah, we are the beaver, a nickel we complete.
Yeah, we are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver.

The eagle flies the sky above and swoops down on its prey
The big bear will maul anyone who dares gets in its way
The tiger is the greatest of the hunters today.
But the beaver it can build dams. Yeah,
The beaver it can build dams, dams, dams.

We are the beaver, we slap our tails when danger's nearby
We are the beaver, we got waterproof hides
Yeah, we are the beaver, we got big bums and beady eyes.
We are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver.

We are the beaver, our name is often used as a double entendre
We are the beaver, cause in Canada, both French and English belong
Yeah, we are the beaver, and the subject of this song is
We are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver.
I can't hear you.
We are the beaver, we are the beaver, we are the beaver
Are you getting the point?
We are the beaver, we are the beaver.
We are the beaver

Uncle Bruce Extending His Stay

Fuck, just what I need: more time with the relatives. Uncle Bruce just told me he's going to stay at my place till at least Canadian New Year, until a little scandal he got involved in blows over. Grandma Zamboni always said he was a rogue elf.

Now listening to: "On the second day of Canadian Christmas my true love gave to me: Two of Turtle's Sandwiches." Dude, Turtle's sandwiches! Wait, I'm Turtle. Fuck.

Cousin Goose showed up today

So there are some relatives you wish that would stay in Canada. Cousin Goose showed up today. He walked in the door, bit Uncle Moose and Flounder and then crapped all over the garden.

Dude. WTF?

Goose is in trouble with the Mounties over some bullshit-i-jay phone bill, so as much as I don't appreciate the attack on the other guests + the garden abuse, I understand his battle with the man.

Here is a picture of Goose and Uncle Moose when they were at Sasquatch's cabin last summer:




Just a few more days to Christmas.

Now playing: On the first day of Canadian Christmas my true love gave to me: A Pesky Partridge install CD

Small World

We were all having the traditional pre-Canadian-Christmas Beaver for dinner (don't get your panties in a bunch; it's not a real beaver) and Flounder and I were fucking going off about fucking Haddock and his fucking hacking my blog and his fucking double-decker bikes he thinks are such hot shit, but then cousin Sasquatch pipes up. Turns out he and Haddock knew each other back when Sasq was at Area 52 (that's the Canadian version of your Yank Area 51, but it's one better, dude) for some testing and Haddock was working on his prototype flying bicycles for the Air Mounties.

Dude, small world. Flounder and I agree that Haddock is still a fucker, though.


Now listening to: "Canadian Christmas is Ironic" by Alanis Morissette

Intellij is the shitij

Intellij and spring water go together like sandwiches and peanut butter.

Wait. That's not right.

Intellij and shitij go together like peanut butter sandwiches and spring water.

No. Hang on.

Peanuts and Shitij go together. After you ate some peanuts.

Now Playing: The Hockey Song" by Stompin' Tom Connors.

This Post

Posted under separate cover

Going to the Dentitht

Fuck. Uncle Bruce flew in last night from outthide Thathkatoon. Ath thoon as he thtepped in the door and downed a forty of Molthon, he did what he always doeth: thtart bragging about his thix teeth, the motht on that thide of the Baker family. I'd had thix or theven fortieth of my own, tho I wathn't taking his thit and I told him that here in America they have dentithtth and motht people had all their teeth. So the fucker pullth out a hockey puck he thmuggled in through thecurity and wingth it at my mouth and knocked my two front teeth clean out.

Thon of a bitch.

Here'th a picture of the fucker. Croth creck him into the boardth if you thee him on the ithe.



Now lithening to: "Thuthuthudio" from BranVan playth Phil Collinth Greatetht Hitth

My favorite data types, in song

Num Num Num Id Id Id Num Num Num

Now listening to: Num Num Num Id Id Id Num Num Num

Cousin Sasquatch putting on the pounds

Not sure what he has been doing in the forest all these years but last night when he climbed into the hot tub, I noticed that he has some serious man boob action going on.



And look at the size of that ass. He doesn't run away from hikers as fast as he used to.

Now playing: 99 bottles of beer (Holding Company mix)

Family Trouble

Bah. Having the relatives over always causes trouble. I tried to show uncle Moose and cousin Sasquatch the gibbon, because they're still using Windows Me, which is the newest Windows you can get in Canada. But Sasq got all pissed off as soon as I booted the installer because he said they used his picture without his permission. I tried to explain to him that it was a Gutsy Gibbon, not a Sassy Sasquatch, but he's pretty hard to convince once he's made up his mind about something. I don't know where he gets that from, because no one else in the family is like that.

Bah.

Just heard from cousin Sasquatch

Haven't heard from him for a while but cousin Sasquatch is flying in from BC. Last time I saw him he was running off into the woods after eating a large sandwich.



Now playing: Dark Side of the Uke.

Amazon.ca

Dude, while I'm still totally lovin' Amazon's EC2 and BV3, their book-selling website, www.amazon.ca, is bullshitij. I mean, here I am, trying to ship Aunt Maple a nice book in time for Canadian Xmas, but I was shocked about the prices. They are charging me what the book costs in Canadian prices (look on the back of whatever book you're reading, you'll see it). But dude, that was before the US dollar dropped below the Canadian dollar. So, they expect me to pay these jacked up prices. Check out what this raging lady has to say bout book rage.

Now listening to: Hockey Anthems -- Best of Oh Canada 1988

Relatives flying in for Canadian Christmas

This coming weekend is Canadian Christmas. Because of the shitij that is the US Dollar a lot of my relatives are flying in from Canada to blow a lot of money.

First in town is Uncle Moose, flying in from his hometown.




Moose promised to bring his laptop. I am going pass on the Gibbon love to him. I hope Moose has forgiven Flounder for that episode back when we were lifeguards. More to come...


Now playing: DJ Lumberjack Canadian Christmas Mixtape.

This is so wrong

Treating people with a blatant lack of ubuntu?

WTF dude? Giving those people Windows ME or some other shitij from the man is so wrong.

Chaos, but at least forward movement

I went to visit Jared last night for some sandwiches. The dude changed his fillings on me for 1 of the subs. But only one. WTF? Doesn't he understand that I could go elsewhere for a burrito. This dude never read any Adam Smith that's for sure.

Flounder pointed out that it makes life a little more exciting so maybe I am just a bit sore from the great sandwich drought of 2008. So glad that is in the past. On the other hand. W.T fucking F ? I am angry. No I am not. Maybe just hungry. What a cluster of clusterfucks.

BAH.

Now Playing: Le Van de Bran les plus grands coups.

Horseshitij

Our builds are fucking horseshitij. I'm gonna get amazon to do them on their virtual fucking virtual shit.

Now listening to: "Cette Merde est le Merde de Taureau-ij" by Céline Dion

Amazon Does a Shitload

Dude, I keep hearing about more cool stuff amazon has going. First I heard about EC2, then S3, and now Flounder told me they sell books. Holy shit, that's some crazy stuff.

Now listening to: This new under the radar artist named "Elvis"

More Outsourcing

Dude, this outsourcing shit is hot. I'm totally fired up about it and I keep thinking of things to outsource. Like this blog. I spend a lot of time writing it when I could be working or shopping for hockey sticks. If I could hire a team of like 3 people to write it, that would be a big help.

Now listening to: Bryan Adams plays BranVan playing the music of U2 so BranVan can watch hockey and drink Molson Ice, eh

EC2

Dude, my company wastes fucking gazillions of dollars on stupid computers and racks and cables and all kinds of bullshit, and then we turn around and tell everyone you shouldn't do that. WTF? I'm going to work up a plan to run everything on Amazon EC2 for just pennies a day.

I wonder if amazon will run my panini press for me too. That shit is a fucking hassle when you just want a little sandwich action.

Now listening to: BranVan plays the music of U2 so U2 can like save Africa or something

Trip to the Post Box

I needed to post a letter to somewhere in the US. I had a first class stamp but I also had a $10 (that $10 US bitches) stamp. I used the $10 (that $10 US bitches) stamp because it is the same shitij really. They will get the letter just as fast.

Now playing: Hockey Lovin' Skank by Avril Lavigne

Live and Let Live

Bah. I was all set to delete the blog and start fresh somewhere fucking Ben and Haddock couldn't get to me, but then I fired up the panini press and had a nice fat sandwich and got into the hot tub and turned on my Sharper Image hot tub cleaner / ionic air purifier / TV, and TNT was playing a James Bond marathon and so I watched some of "You Only Live Once" and then the first half of "Live and Let Live." And the second got me thinking about how Haddock might be some kind of international spy with fucking spy gadgets like a hot tub cleaner / ionic air purifier / TV / double-decker bicycle / death laser, so I shouldn't fuck with him. I know I can take that fucking Fry in a fight, but Haddock is tricky.

So I'm declaring a truce. Fuck it. Post whatever bullshitij you want.

Now listening to: BranVan 500 at Woodstock

That's It

I've had it with fucking Ben and fucking Haddock. If they don't turn over all the backdoors to this blog by midnight Toronto time, I'm fucking erasing the whole blog and starting over.

Dude.

Now listening to: "Ou est le backdoor? (unreleased demo version)" by Céline Dion

pwned again

You just got pwned by

                                  
      ________ ________   ___________ 
     /  ___/  |  \____ \_/ __ \_  __ \
     \___ \|  |  /  |_> >  ___/|  | \/
    /____  >____/|   __/ \___  >__|   
         \/      |__|        \/       
   .__                  _______         
   |  |__ _____  ___  __\   _  \_______ 
   |  |  \\__  \ \  \/  /  /_\  \_  __ \
   |   Y  \/ __ \_>    <\  \_/   \  | \/
   |___|  (____  /__/\_ \\_____  /__|   
        \/     \/      \/      \/       
.__                .___  .___      ____  __.
|  |__ _____     __| _/__| _/____ |    |/ _|
|  |  \\__  \   / __ |/ __ |/  _ \|      <  
|   Y  \/ __ \_/ /_/ / /_/ (  <_> )    |  \ 
|___|  (____  /\____ \____ |\____/|____|__ \
     \/     \/      \/    \/              \/

Pros and Cons of Drinking

Was reading this CNN article on the pros and cons of drinking to see if I wanted to keep doing it. I think I do, but just to be sure I compiled my own list:

Pros

• Makes you drunk

Cons

• Takes away from quality sandwich-eating time

Now listening to: "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" by John Lee Hooker

Spotted that Haddock dude on Market St

Fucking show off. I know you are involved in this Shitij. I see you again I will put my umbrella through your front wheel.




Now playing: Smoke(d Meats) on the Water by Deeper Purple.

Real Fake Gary says: Stop this Shitij

Listen up cachemaster dude. Stop it now or I will

Fake Ben says: suck it up GPL V2 boy.

Now playing: Quebec government sponsored Rush drum solo (extended mix).

Fake Ben Says: Are all the backdoors closed?

Now listening to: All Your Base Are Belong To Us Megamix

Backdoors Are Closed

Just like Baz shutdown the other team in net last night at hockey (go Iceholes! we're 8-2-0 now), I've definitely shutdown all the backdoors that Haddock and Fake Fry put in yesterday. There is absolutely no way they'll get in here again.

Now listening to: BV3k's unreleased French album

fuck. i wish i could figure out how to disable this damn 'now listening to' blog kernel extension.

Now listening to

Dude, fucking Haddock and Fry recompiled my blogger kernel with this fucking "Now listening to" plugin and I can't turn it off.

Now listening to: "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

I got p0wned

This whole hacked blog thing totally freaked me out. So, me and Flounder did a little investigative journalism-like work. With the power of the best search engine in the world, Ubuntu-powered Uboogle, we found out that Haddock is a Romanian haxor who setup the www.i-heart-vg.ru message board. Turns out I got phished and he got access to my blog and my etrade account. Thank god Haddock didn't sell my VG shares.

Me and Flounder are hatching a plan to get this douche at the next critical mass... He better watch his back.

Now listening to: Celion Dion's Greatest Hits

Preserving art

I am involved in the Branvan archive project (B.A.P) . We are planning to preserve all Branvan music and videos on this thing that is all the rage in Canada: youtube. The inventors live here and here. You should have a look at youtube It is the best way to spend a day at work when the boss is at job #2. Unless you have a wii.

It is important to patronise the arts. I want Branvan to be around when Charlie is old. I want Branvan to be around when this blog gets old.

Now playing: Celine Dion Live at Circus Circus with Blue Man Group 2004.


PS: Cachemaster: I changed all the passwords.

Uptime

Dude, I swear my blog has been up for a couple months at least, but uptime says 6 days. Weird.

Now listening to: Bran in the USA: Branvan Live at the Hollywood Bowl

Time to break out the Bullhorn

Dude, What The Fuck?

This is fucking bullshit.

That fucker Ben hacked into my blog and posted all that shit yesterday, including the fake post about how he was a guest blogger. If I didn't work with him I'd fucking take him outside and punch him in the face.

I'm gonna use the fucking bullshit bullhorn and fucking tape it down in his cube.

Bah. WTF. I haven't been this steamed since Bryan Adams canceled his US Tour.

Now listening to: Branvan sings Rage Against the Machine's Greatest Hits

Fake Ben Says: The Vassar CS Course Catalog

A lot of you all have expressed interest in the Vassar CS cirriculum so I thought I'd give you a sampling of the catalog:

CS-100: Bits 1: The 0 Bit
CS-101: Bits 2: The 1 Bit
CS-102: Assembler
CS-103: Rear Admiral Grace Hopper
CS-104: Programming Languages We Made Up, Like "Turing"
CS-105: CS History 1: 3000 BC - 500 BC
CS-106: CS History 2: 500 BC - 0 AD
CS-107: CS History 3: 0 AD - 1950 AD
CS-108: More Assembler
CS-109: Advanced Rear Admiral Grace Hopper
CS-110: Nibbles 1: Values 0-3
CS-111: Nibbles 2: Values 4-7
CS-112: Nibbles 3: Values 8-11
CS-113: Advanced Nibbles: Values Greater Than 11
CS-114: Programming Languages We Haven't Yet Made Up, But Might
CS-115: Assembler: Why Would You Use Any Other Language?

And there was also this elective class that no one ever took because we couldn't see the point:

CS-116: C, Java, Data Structures, Operating Systems, and other stuff not invented by Rear Admiral Grace Hopper

Now listening to: "Nibble Man" by Lee "Shot" Williams

Fake Ben Says: Who needs cars?

At the drum circle last night, I was talking to my buddy Moonchild "Mackerel" Harmony about how if The Man would just make it incredibly expensive to own cars, everyone would just stop driving and ride their solar-powered bicycles instead. And then they'd realize they didn't need the cars anyway. The next drummer over tried to make some kind of point about carrying heavy things or families or something, but then Mackerel hit a really deep groove and I tuned the other dude out.

Now listening to: The soulful rythm of Mother Earth

Fake Ben Says: Blogger Isn't GPLed

Just want to start by sending a shoutout to Fake Gary. Without his blog, Grace Hopper Day probably would never come to be.

But. I've gotta get this off my chest. Fake Gary is a fake. He's all, "I looove open source. You should ride the Gibbon too."

Except its nothing but a front. I mean this blog isn't open sourced. Cause if it was, I'd've patched its crappy image layout features. And for god-sakes, why do I need to type what music I'm listening into into this post?

Now listening to: Portugal-Brazilian Dance Mix 2001

Fake Ben Says: Recompiled New Video Card Drivers

With all the hype regarding Ubuntu, I just wanted to bring some attention back to the real #1 distro -- Gentoo. It's got everything the Gimpy Gibbon has, except you get to compile everything yourself. Like video card drivers. Then you can play the hot new 3d first person shooters. Check out these screen caps from the best open source gaming has to offer:

Fake Ben Says: Haddock hospitalised

Just got a call from Haddock. He was riding down Valencia planning his route for the next critical mass. Poor dude hit his head when trying to park his new creation at Ritual Roasters. I warned him about that proprietary helmet. Here he is in happier days:

Fake Ben Says: More on GPL-itarianism

Rear Admiral Grace Hopper invented food.

Fake Ben Says: I'm Becoming a GPL-itarian

So I'm thinking about becoming a GPL-itarian. Now that I can get GPL beer, and Haddock says he met this guy in the last Critical Mass ride who has a GPL strain of sandwiches, that's pretty much all I need to stop eating that BS corporate food.

Fake Ben Says: Like Red Bull, But Better

Who doesn't like Red Bull? Any self-respecting open sourcer. That's who.

So, boy was I excited when I found out about FREEBEER. Its an open source beer that also includes Guarana.

I've started making a batch in my server room. When its done, I'll be able to drink beers and stay up late recompiling the gentoo kernel all night.

Oh, and of course, Grace Hopper has been committing patches to improve the flavor.

Fake Ben says: Another bike I am working on with Haddock

The point is: Open Source will always lead you to something that looks good and is practical.

Fake Ben Says: A Basic Economics Primer

In addition to classes about Nibbles and about CS History, Vassar also had an extensive Economics cirriculum. Since most of you didn't go to such a good school, I wanted to share a little of my knowledge.

The basic idea of economics is the supply and demand curve, invented by Rear Admiral Grace Hopper. It says that as demand increases, so does price. So, for example, if those lazy Canadians ever found a northwest passage, the Japanese could sell their cars to Europe instead of just to America like they do now. This would cause more demand, because there are a lot of Europeans (I should know; I was just there), and so the price of Japanese cars would go up. Another example is Linux distributions: as the demand for Ubuntu goes up, so will the price. My models predict that by 2010, a full distro of Ubuntu Irritable Iguana will cost $16,000. That's why I always compile my own distro of Gentoo, which keeps demand at one and thus it stays free.

Fake Ben says: Critical Mass

Not only do we fight the man but we also swap kernels.

Here is Haddock on his new GPL'ed bike. GPL V3 I might add too. None of that fake BS with Haddock.

Fake Ben Says: More on Quiddich

Dude! I almost forgot to mention the most important thing about Quiddich: it was invented by Rear Admiral Grace Hopper. Here are some other things she invented:

• The term "Computer Bug"
• COBOL
• Fire

Fake Ben Says: A Sport For Real Athletes

In the same spirit as the undergraduate club I co-founded with Haddock, EconomicsClub, these Vassar coeds are showing the way. If they'd had this sport growing up, I totally would've been an all-star Seeker. I can totally picture myself playing at the World Cup whizzing around on a Firebolt broomstick.

Inspired by J.K.Rowling's Harry Potter novels, college students at Vassar, Middlebury, and elsewhere are playing a Muggle version of quidditch. The Vassar Quidditch Team practices for the World Cup at Middlebury, November 11.

Fake Ben Says: Your CS Program Sucks

I was talking to some of my coworkers who went to supposedly good CS schools, and none of them knew what a nibble was! Dude! At Vassar, we didn't even get to use bytes until our Junior year. We started out with a year of programming in bits, and then our Sophomore year we got to use nibbles, then Junior year was bytes, and finally Senior year was words. You had to get a master's to use dwords, and a PhD to use arrays. Also, we only used assembly, because they said if it was good enough for Rear Admiral Grace Hopper, it's good enough for us.

Anyway, in 2002 (the beginning on my Junior year), this really good sandwich shop moved into town and so I kinda stopped paying a lot of attention in class and never really got the whole byte thing down. So now when I want to write Java code, I write it in assembler using nibbles and then run it through an automated translator to spit out Java code.

Out today, Guest blogger taking my place

Dude, since your fucking American health care is such hogwash, Charlie caught one of your fucking Yank colds, so I'm taking care of him today and can't do any blogging. Since I know you guys need the blog like I need a good sandwich, I couldn't just leave you hanging, so I've called in a guest blogger. It was really short notice, so all I could get was this Ben character who thinks he knows all kinds of shit about open source and economics and shit like that but is mostly full of it. But you takes what you gets, eh?

Sorry about that last post

Dude, sorry for the fuckup on that last post. Here's the story:

I told Paz about how I got these bitchen new sandwiches and how when I grilled them up in the panini press they left me feeling like Jared, if you know what I mean. So he bought some too, but then he was bitching the next day that he couldn't reproduce my Jared feeling even though he had the exact same panini press setup, and that Oracle expected me to upgrade my JDBC driver so he could feel like Jared just like I did.

Guess that didn't work so good, eh?

Upgrading the blog

I am going to change the JDBC driver. You shouldn't see any pr%%&.

Nerd Throwdown

I'm sick and tired of these fucking JV-level nerds here at work throwing around their half-assed nerdy references. Here's the kind of shit an O.G. nerd like me can throw down:

http://www.monzy.com/intro/killdashnine_lyrics.html

Who's the new king nerd on the block, eh?

Fucking Hot

Dude, you gotta admit this is fucking hot. If you have dude(baz, flounder) and you meant dude(flounder, baz), which you know you do easily fucking 10,000 times a day, here's what you would have to do in Eclipse:

1. Move your mouse to where it says dude.
2. Click the left button. If you clicked the right button, you're fucked and you have to start over.
3. Press the right arrow.
4. Press the right arrow.
5. Press the right arrow.
6. Press the right arrow.
7. Press the right arrow.
8. Hold down the shift key.
9. Press the right arrow.
10. Press the right arrow.
11. Press the right arrow.
12. Press the right arrow.
13. Press the right arrow.
14. Press the right arrow.
15. Press the right arrow.
16. Press the right arrow.
17. Release the shift key.
18. Hold down the Ctrl key
19. Type C.
20. Release the Ctrl key.
21. Press delete.
22. Press delete.
23. Press delete.
24. Press the right arrow.
25. Press the right arrow.
26. Press the right arrow.
27. Type comma.
28. Type space.
29. Hold down the Ctrl key.
30. Type V
31. Release the Ctrl key.

Dude, what a crazy fucking hassle, right. Here's what you have to do with IntelliJ:

1. Press Alt-Enter.

That's it! IntelliJ fucking knows what you want to do and just does it. It's fucking incredible. You guys who aren't using it are easily 5% less efficient than you could be.

Clarification: Thom Kim

I'm not saying he doesn't know what he's saying, I'm just saying he's a virgin.

Clarification: Tom Kyte

I'm not saying he doesn't know what he's saying, I'm just saying he's a wanker.

No one cares anymore where I work

It is nearly 11am on a Monday morning and I am still the only one at work on this floor. WTF?

Weekend Plans

5 words: Hardy Heron Alpha released.

Telescopes

Fuck. I always forget which end of the telescope to look in.

Fucking Work

The fucking cocksuckers at work want me to do this new project. As it is, I barely have time to make post-it notes making fun of Thom and his telescope.

Good Yank

Up in Canada, we say "The only good Yank is a dead Yank."

Broken Tail

Dude, the fucking vet wants $1000 to fix Tillie's tail. WTF? How hard is it? Can't he just give it a good yank?

Some Mexican songs I'm learning

• Las Tortas Gobiernan
• La Platija Pasó el Gas en la Tina Caliente Otra Vez
• Ay, No es el Gas
  
• ¿Güey, Qué la Chingar?
• ¿Güey, Q.L.C?
• ¿Seriamente, Q.L.C?
• Chingaaaaaaaaaaaaar
  

Mounties closing in

DUDE. I saw a mountie at glen park station. I think they are closing in. Good job I ate another burrito today. I think I pass for a Mexican now. The other week I swapped a sandwich for a CD from one of those jukeboxes at the La Taqueria. Been learning some of the songs on the uke.

Casual Friday

Only 3 weeks until Canadian Christmas. I am starting to celebrate early.

Anyone know how to fix a dog's tail?

Tillie broke hers last night getting out of the hot tub.

Sorry about Paz

Dude, I've been getting some complains from you guys about Paz's bad behavior. Flounder and I are gonna go have a talk with him to try to set him straight. We're going to try an old Canadian trick called Good Mountie / Bad Mountie. I'm bringing a sandwich and Flounder is bringing his hockey stick.

Like... WTF????

DUDE.

WTF? W.T.F. ?

Microsoft IntelliJ

IntelliJ is like fucking Windows, needs a restart every so often.

Oh Look

Oh. Oh Wow.

I am a Mexican food eating lion

Yesterday I ate one meal. The day before I ate one meal.

My filing system

At home, I like to keep all my stuff in trash cans. It works really good most of the time, except sometimes I throw trash into one of the trash cans and then it's just messy.

Back online again no thanks to those bastards at comcast

I am back online no thanks to those bastards at Comcast. Some dude or chick called 'Linksys' doesn't have their wireless locked down so I am stealing it until further notice. Right now, thanks to Mr or Ms Linksys, I am downloading FLACs of all Branvan 3000 live sets from back from when they were Branvan 1000. What kind of name is Linksys anyway? I swear that Charlie will be the only kid in his class with a normal name. Flounder, Baz, Daz and Paz agree about this.

BTW: I also stole the new Celine Dion CD all thanks to 'Linksys'. The fast songs rock as hard as ever and the slow ones are perfect background music for a sandwich.

If I dont read your comments...

I am sorry but I was in the can.

Some Words That Charlie Has Learned This Week

Bah
Dude
Fuck
Fuuuuuuck
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I think he learned them from Flounder.

WOW!!! Look at that!

Intellij 7 is sweet. You checked in that thing and I got this thing to say I have an outdated thing.

DSL Turned Off

Dude, this is fucked up shitij. I was in a hurry last month when the DSL payment guy came by and I gave him the suitcase with a million *Canadian* dollars, which was for the hockey insurance guy, instead of a million *US* dollars, which was for the DSL. He should have been happy about that, because that's like three million US dollars, but instead he said he didn't take "fucking Loonies" and sent his hitman to turn off my DSL. And just to spite me, he turned off my pirated cable too.

Fuck this shitij. I'm moving back to Canada. I hear they have a deal where you can get DSL for $750,000 a month.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Is It The 27th?

If so: Ohhhh-ahhh-hooo!

Saskatchewan Roughriders

DUDE. Forgot to blog about this but I assume you know anyway. Congrats to the Saskatchewan Roughriders who won the world famous Grey Cup. Next year you watch them kick everyone around on their way to the Black Cup *and* the Grey Cup.

One thing I can't work out: why do people laugh when I say 'Saskatchewan Roughriders'.

hot tub shutdown until further notice

BULSHITIJ DUDE.

Got the PG+E bill. It is as pretty as the face of your average NHL veteran. I used this graph for my budget assuming San Francisco would be similar to Portland, but now I must assume these douches were talking about Portland New Mexico or some other bullshitij place.

Opportunity of a lifetime

So dude. I came in late to today because I was over at my sandwich maker's flat late last night picking up a fresh batch of sandwiches. And while we were tasting the new batch of sandwiches, he told me and Baz about an opportunity of a lifetime. Apparently I can get in on the ground floor for the franchising of these restaurants. I can't believe how good an idea this is! I mean who wouldn't want to eat every meal combining their favorite daily activities? Oh, and I've already run the numbers past Dr Benonomics and even he agrees this is a can't miss.

Another reason why Canada rules

Up there in British North America we just got this thing called 'Tivo'. This thing will change the way you watch TV. You Yankee Doodle Dandies will be sooo jealous when you understand what it does.

If it is Gadgets, smoked meats or our currency one thing is certain. Canada Rules.

The question I always ask before doing anything

"What is that going to do for me?"

Unless its like voting. In which case its okay if its for the Canadian Prime Minister.

Idea That Will Make My Second Million CA Dollars

We spend way too much time on this method and variable bullshitij at work. I am working on a new idea that will revolutionise the software industry. One method for all apps known and unknown:

public static Object method(String action, Map params) {
   if ("bah".equals(action)) {
      ...
   } else if ("dude".equals(action)) {
      ...
   }
}

Now after you pick yourself up from the floor don't go stealing my idea. I filed for a patent and I will sue the hell out of you. Or fart in your general direction.

And yes. I said it will make me a million *CA* dollars. I am talking something that still means something.

Fucking Perforce

Man.

Hit the build bitch with a bottle cap

Took his eye out. It was only a web developer so who gives a shitij?

Dude....

Do you think I can hit our Chief Software Architect with this bottle top from here?

I am out of here

Just let out something that smells like a dead rat. My aisle is like a bay area beach right now. Wear a hazmat suit until further notice.

Happy Canadian Kwanzaa

Goodwill to all men named after fish.

100th Post!

Dude, 100th post! I rule!

Benonomics

This dude claims he went to London School of Economics and he does not know the basics of Demand/Supply.

Fake Thanksgiving

This whole American Thanksgiving is total tij. I'm still going to celebrate, but since the US dollar is so cheap now, we had to skimp on the smoked meat and ice beer. Instead, we're going to just have to crank up the branvan and eat lobster "sandwich" rolls. (anybody know any lobster shacks open in downtown SF this time of year?) I'm going to be wearing my 'I heart Martin Frobisher' t-shirt -- what's your country got to celebrate for?

Jesus

I'm not into religion much myself, but I totally respect "WWJD" because Jesus was a pretty chill dude and so anything he would do is probably a good idea. I'm trying to follow that in my life. So far I've only done it at the barber shop. Also once Flounder brought over some fucking money changers and I had to throw their asses out of the hot tub.

Shady Dude

I've seen this dude hanging around my office. He looks totally shady. Do you think I should report him to the mounties?

"Scrum"

Dan just told me I have to go to this "scrum" thing every day. He acted like I should have known what it was. Isn't that the slime that collects on the bottom of your smoked meat smoker? If it is, I'm all for it, because that's some good shit.

Stupid Doormat

Dude, can you believe someone would buy this doormat and actually use it?

It should say "There's no place like 127.0.0.1/8".

A Fucking Charade

I refuse to understand our fucking charade of a branching strategy because it would make my brain as dumb as the people who designed it. Do I check my change into prod, or freeze, or prod-freeze? Fuck. Who's the genius who decided to make a more frozen branch than freeze?

If we used subversion all this fucking bullshitij wouldn't have happened.

Also, why should I have to integrate into extreme?

Oil Barons

Dude, some of my hoser friends are getting together to buy an oil company. Anyone wants in, let Gaz know.

flounder spamming again

BAH.

I just noticed this

DUDE.

Flounder, we had a deal. We only hype VG with our spam. And who are you fooling with that 'nonsmoking flounder' bullshitij?

You are hereby served with a 2 week hot tub ban. That back hair is a major problem anyway so this is probably just as well.

One Sandwich per child

I was talking to Baz, Daz and Gaz (wait that's me). How could we rip off the 'One laptop per child' project? We are starting 'One sandwich per child'. Buy a sandwich for a child and get one for yourself.

Here is Baz with his new 'one laptop per child' laptop just after we finished the 10th sandwich that we now owe to some kid somewhere.

My Doppelganger

So while surfing my million dollar dsl, I decided to do some vanity searches and I found out that someone already took my MySpace page. This dude isn't Canadian, and Flounder isn't in his friends network, so you know you can't trust him. Can you believe he's got a higher Google rank than me? That's bullshitij. Though props for where he lives -- Horny House -- it sounds like a good candidate for the next Ubuntu release name.

Ubuntucon

Yo, me and Flounder are dressing up as our favorite unix commands for Ubuntucon. I'm dressing as fsck and he's dressing up as chmod. If anyone wants to join us, let me know. I'll post pictures.

Idea that will make me a CA Dollar Millionaire

We spend way too much time of this database schema bullshitij at work. I am working on a new idea that will revolutionise the software industry. One table for all apps known and unknown:

create table gary.my_table(
my_lookup number not null,
my_value varchar2(4000));

Now after you pick yourself up from the floor don't go stealing my idea. I filed for a patent and I will sue the hell out of you. Or fart in your general direction.

And yes. I said *CA* Dollar Millionaire. I am talking something that still means something.

Operating System Upgrade Time!

So, last night, while I was hanging out in the hot tub with Flounder with some sandwiches, we got to talking on Operating Systems. Now, while I'm as big an Ubuntuhead as there is out (anyone else going to be at Ubuntucon next week and wanna eat some sandwiches before the keynote?), Flounder introduced me to something new that blew my mind. Freesbie! See, its even got a cool name like frisbee (dude, remind me one day to tell you about the frisbee throwing I used to do as a lifeguard) and its based on FreeBSD. Dude, I love its hippy ideals.

Check out this trip down memory lane. That's me showing off some moves back in college!

I'm So Over Indexes

Dude, it's Tamagotchi all over again: I learned about database indexes a couple months ago, and I totally loved them and used them all the time, but now I'm bored of them and haven't used one in weeks. I hear triggers are cool. I should look into those.

Bran Van

Dude, Flounder just told me that Bran Van is now 3000 instead of 2000. I know time feels slower when you eat a sandwich, but holy shit, 1000 years? I wonder if there's a new Gibbon release.

Dude.

I hope they still have sandwiches here in the year 3000.

I love Saturdays

Dude. I am so glad it is Saturday.

Hot tub woes

Flounder came over last night and it looks like his backhair clogged the filter in the hot tub. Right now it looks like the pump motor burnt out too. Dude, how many times have I told him to get some manscaping done. We live in San Francisco FFS. Flounder uses his lush back carpet for income sometimes. He was the stunt double for wookie #7 in the last Star Wars movie. Which was shitij I might add. Not flounder, he was the shitij.


Anyway, another round of $1M DSL expense claims, problem solved.

I rule.

Expanding Minds

When I leave my desk, I like to leave my music playing to broaden my cubemates' horizons. Dude, they didn't even know who fucking Branvan 2000 was.

Canadian Sports Almanac, entry 1

Growing up in Canada, we used to play a great game in recess called foot hockey. It was just like hockey, but you could even play without sticks. I'm thinking about starting a local league. Canada rules.

what a hunk of shit

DUDE. WTF.

Seriously.

Hockey = Work

There are more trades between teams at my work than an entire NHL season.

Seriously worried I might end up with a boss that only has one job.

Friday?

Hey, same thing as last week: could someone post in the comments to let me know if it's Friday today. I think I had a sandwich and came up with some kind of goddamn slander about Molson that was going to tell me which day it was, but I don't remember how it worked now. Molson rules.

Boss working at his second job

My boss has two jobs. He works 3 days a week at my place and then 'works from home' 2 days a week at another company. He picks up two salaries. He is pretty smart and I suppose thats why he is a boss.

Dear boss,

I am also working from 'home' today. Or at least I haven't showed up yet.

Thanks,
Gary

Hockey Insurance: The Outrage Continues

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this fucking hockey insurance bullshit. So you're telling me if I want to buy one of these, I have to pay for it myself? Not just a copay but the whole amount? It's an outrage!

Hockey Insurance, Continued

Dude, our fucking HR cocksuckers just told me the company doesn't provide hockey insurance for employees. That's fucking hogwash. In Canada every citizen gets free socialized hockey, curling, ice fishing, and moose racing insurance, and I just fucking assumed that it was a standard benefit here. What the fuck? Since Jody isn't working full time any more I assumed Charlie would be covered by my hockey insurance. I just took him to a game, and now they're going to fucking deny my claim.

Bah. This country is horseshit.

Hockey Insurance

Everybody keeps acting all confused about hockey insurance. Dude, what the fuck? It's exactly like curling insurance, except for hockey.

Random thoughts

Maybe it is the head injury. Maybe it is the new sandwich filling. Somehow I feel more lucid than normal. Four things:

1. I just noticed that sticks can be considered 'brown and sticky' and so can a fresh turd. With the writers strike going on I might try and sell this new joke to a late night host.

2. The President of Pakistan is a bit of a douche. His so called elections will be a farce.

3. Flights to Romania are cheap right now. I need to beat up someone over there. Assuming they are smaller than me.

4. Ben Fry likes 'make'. I should 'make' my foot kick his ass.

New Blog Feature -- Podcasts!

For the inaugural (that means first ever for you French-Canadian readers) Fake Gary Podcast, I'm going to do Native American War Chants. Sing along with me, and please do a little Tomahawk Chop too!

Ohhhh ohhhhhhhhh ohhh!

Not All There Today

I took a gnarly header to the boards last night, so if I'm not all there today, you'll

Another Stock Pick

Dude, I traded so much of this stock last night that Jody made me sleep in the Subaru.

Buy and Hold

You all know I only buy stocks to hold for at least a year. Here are some other things I like to hold for at least a year before using:

• TV Guide
• Hash Browns
  
• Meat

Discrimination

Dude, this is hogwash. Google got sued over a patent and their stock is still at 630, and Vonage is at 2. The market is discriminating against Vonage because it's Canadian. It's a fucking outrage.

English Fact of the Day

Little known fact: "Done" is the past tense of "Do".

Research Report: ETFC, VG

Dude, I'm cutting my rating on E-Trade (ETFC) from "Fuck Yeah" to "Fuck No" and lowering my price target from 1/2000th of a Subaru to 1/300th of a TechOps dinner.

I'm reiterating my rating of "Fucking Awesome" on Vonage (VG) and raising my price target three orders of magnitude.

Ubuntuheads unite

Hey U-heads! What's going on? PCLinuxOS has been more popular on my favorite site, DistroWatch, for over 6 months now. We need to rise up and assault this crappy Mandrake-based OS. Who's with me?

Off to Mexico

I got an email from the "Canada Revenue Agency" it has a subject of "Tax Avoidance Scheme Complaint".

DUDE. WTF.

I tend to be Libertarian in my views on taxes. I don't believe in them. Anyway I am keeping an eye out for Mounties around Glen Park station. The moment I see one, we take the Subaru and flee to Mexico.

Is it friday

If you could let me know in the comments I would be grateful.

Poncy Panini

Due to popular demand, I have just pressed four copies of the lastest version of the popular Sandwich distribution "Poncy Panini": This is the most commonly used Sandwich distribution in our office and therefore you will have the most luck getting help with any ingestion troubles, etc. There is even a guy in IT running it.

Collective Gibbons

Dude, I had a good sandwich last night and got to thinking about the collective gibbons again. So I looked it up. If they're monopolistic commercial gibbons, it's a troop of gibbons, but if they're open source gibbons, it's a freeness (as in beer) of gibbons.

Beer rules.

RAC

RAC is whack.

Seriously dude. If I could have an intelligent conversation around here we would be on a Beowulf Gibbon cluster.

What is the collective noun for gibbons? Gang? I think Gibbons might be apes. My experience with animals is limited to beavers, moose the odd goose. I think the collective noun for apes is 'A shrewdness, or troop of apes'.

I rule.

Mnemonics

Dude, this is far out. I just had a meeting with Dan and he said he's not going to call me every morning to remind me to come in to work and that I should just assume I'm supposed to come in every Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. Dude, that's a shitload of days. How the hell am I supposed to remember that? But then I remembered something Gordie Howe taught me in a filmstrip: use a mnemonic to remember tough things like this. Dude, he's fucking smart as hell. This is what I've come up with:

Molson
Tastes
Worse
Than
Fuck

Which works, except it's not true at all. Molson is awesome.

Any suggestions?

Oh Shit

I just remembered that I have work today. I'd better get my ass in there.

Best Afternoon. Ever.

I went home early today -- cause my calendar was free -- ate a fat sandwich, sat in the hot tub, and debated with Flounder about the new names for upcoming Ubuntu releases . Awesome. I honestly can't wait for Talky Tortoise. He says nothing will ever beat Edgy Eft, but clearly the Ubuntuheads disagree.

Really, is there any better way to spend an afternoon?

If only...

...they made sandwiches like this. Dude, and its already 2pm. I'ma go out for a bit. Nothing on my calendar.

I Gotta Figure Out This Calendar Thing

Dude, this is getting fucked up. People keep telling me they've put things on my calendar, but every time I look at it, there's nothing on it. It's fucking hogwash is what it is.

Here's a photo of my calendar right now. Do you see any fucking interviews or team meetings on it?

Fake Gary Overview Diagram

I got creative on the weekend. What am I missing from this diagram before I throw it on the wiki?

Just ate some leftover food

Dude.

No hot tub for me tonight.

Reading

is hogwash.

Oh wait

Never mind. Found it

Lost Blog

It's true. I did lose my blog (but that stuff about me being a dork is a big lie). I used it to get onto the floor. It has my pass card in it, so it's got to be here somewhere. If you see it, let me know.

Hum

Huhhhh - Hummmmm - hummm -hum- huhhhhhhh hummmmmmm


DUDE I love that song.

Total Revelation

Dude, I just had this total revelation: In ten years, Windows is going to be a niche operating system for like gamers and business users. Bill Gates will die so poor he can't even buy a copy of Gutsy Gibbon. Which is free, dude.

Onwards and upwards

The $1.00CA hit $1.06USD today.

To celebrate we lowered out GST (Gibbon sales tax) to 5%. The prophecy of the first Canadian finance minister Nikita Khrushchev (1980-1984) rings true: We will bury you.

CANADA RULES YOUR CAPITALIST ASSES

Aw, Come On Now

That ain't even bullshitij, that's horseshitij!

Dude, Did You Ever Think About This?

How come people are so uptight about book burning, but they don't have a problem with burning newspapers and magazines?

This whole meta-flounder experience has me thinking all kinds of deep thoughts.

Yesterday

Charlie made a gnarly Shitij in his diaper.

Dude

I could go all day with these Shitij jokes. They crack me up.

The Next Ubuntu Release Is

Shiny Shitij

This is the Shitij

Gutsy Gibbon

This Fucking SQL

Is Bull-Shitij

Flounder's Sandwiches

Those sandwiches Flounder brought were some good Shitij.

Sorry Bill but it is over...

I was thinking.

In 5 years time the only people using Windows will be gamers and businesses. People will be running Yummy Yak clusters on 128 core AMD hardware.

It will be an irrelevant niche product.

DUDE. Just think about that. Bill Gates: the end is nigh!

When Jodie Found Out About My Gas Tank

The Shitij really hit the fan.

Last Night

I went out with Flounder and got totally Shitij-faced.

Hockey Elbow

BAH.

Forgot about it. Not worth blogging about.

You Know What's Funny?

Shitij.

Dude

Dude, I'm really losing it. I just posted the same thing twice. All that thinking about meta flounder has been blowing my mind.

5 years from now...

Windows will be a niche operating system used by a few people stuck in the past.

For gamers.

And businesses.

Remember: you heard it here first.

The Future

Dude, in five years, ten tops, Windows is going to be a niche operating system for gamers and businesses.

The Fuckers at Work

The fuckers at work want me to write some kind of big pile of bullshit just to make some SQL more efficient. If we just ran the database on a fucking cluster of Ubuntu boxes with Postgres and Subversion, we wouldn't care about efficiency because they'd be so rippin' fast. And they could all have dual monitors, which would be awesome. But those cocksuckers just want to waste my fucking time.

I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.

Bah.

Gas Tank For Trade

Available: one totally bitching gas tank.
Will trade for: a sofa that's comfortable to sleep on.

Update: Flounder's Flounder

Dude, I just realized that Flounder's Flounder is a meta-Flounder. That's some far out shit.

Hockey Night in California

We got our asses handed to us in hockey last night. They were a lot younger than us. Everything was fine until about halfway through the game, and then the wheels fell off. Also, the sandwiches our team had after the first period might not have helped.

Flounder's Flounder

Flounder called me last night crying about his baby fish. He was floating vertical. I told him not to fill the fishbowl with sandwich water.

Close call in the hot tub

After work I ate a sandwich in the hot tub. As I was climbing out I almost knocked the panini press into the tub.

DUDE.

That would have been one hell of a way to go.

BitchX

If you don't use BitchX then you are a BitchX.

Oh Yeah

Motherfucking awesome.

Cleaning the hot tub

That fart was a little too solid.

I still rule though.

Canadian Groundhog Day

Dude, I posted about how Flounder came down for Canadian Groundhog Day and now everyone is asking me what it is. It's way more awesome than American Groundhog Day because instead of a groundhog we use a moose and if he sees curling on TV then it means there's 6 more weeks of hockey strikes.

Farted in the hot tub

Made Charlie laugh.

I rule.

CHM Sandwiches are a Lie

Flounder came down again yesterday for Canadian Groundhog Day. He was all going on about his CMH (that's Canadian Ministry of Health, for you Americans) sandwiches and how they're totally awesome and they give every citizen 3.5 grams (that's an eighth of a sandwich) every month. I tried one of his sandwiches and it was fucking shite. It was like making love next to Craig's lunch: fucking close to a wrap.

Update: The Baker Theorem of BART Positioning

Dude, I have no fucking clue where the the shit in that bart post came from. It's far out stuff. Sometimes when I get near the bart I kind of zone out and do shit that I don't rememberwhen I get out.

I need a sandwich.

Posted from my blackberry at Dublin BART station.

VG: Now What, Motherfucker?

VG is up to 2.75 in after-hours trading. All those assholes at work are looking pretty stupid right now. But I'm not going to sell, just to piss them off. Dude, I'll piss the hell out of them if I ride it all the way to zero and lose $2750.

Another reason to Ubuntu-ize

I just read this post from Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, and I can't believe the arrogance. They're totally flaunting their monopoly position and its total bullshit.

"we at Apple are using our monopoly and market power to make the world a better place."

With the power of Linux and the ease of use of Ubuntu, we can take down this sham.

And, yes, this does mean I should probably stop using my Powerbook all the time.

The Baker Theorem of BART Positioning

The BART train doors have a simple and elegant pattern to where they will appear in the station. My colleagues seem befuddled by this behavior, when in fact its essence is simplicity itself.

But before we can describe that theorm, we need to describe the universe of the BART system:

Axiom 1: For each station σ, there exist β black spots, where β is a positive integral value.
Axiom1a: β=20 for all currently known instances of σ.

Axiom 2: For every train τ, there exist γ cars, where γ is a positive integral value.

Axiom 3: For every car χ, there are δ doors, where δ is a positive integral value.
Axiom 3a: δ=2 for all currently known instances of χ.

Axiom 4: In order for all passengers π to disembark from an instance of χ in an instance of σ, there must be a door paired with a black spot, therefore β ≥ δγ.

Lemma 1: In order to satisfy Axiom 4, γ ≤ 10.

Axiom 5: BART trains endeavor to stop in such a way that given β1, the number of black spots ρ beyond the leading edge of the train, and β2, the number of β beyond the trailing edge of the train, β1 = β2.

Armed with this knowledge and the simplest powers of deduction, one can arrive at fascinating observations. To wit:

The Baker Theorem of BART Positioning

To determine the black spot ρ*, the leadingmost or trailingmost black spot ρ for which ρ will be paired with a door χ, one need only calculate the following formula:

ρ* = (β / δ) - γ

And given Axioms 1a and 3a, we can simplify the formula to:

ρ* = 10 - γ

This theorem holds in all cases except when the driver is a fucking jackass.

More ideas on Ubuntu names

Fantastic Flounder
Tasty Turtle

Dude, fat sandwich

Have I ever mentioned how much I love sandwiches?

Last night Flounder brought down some great sandwiches from Humbolt. Dude. It was awesome. The sandwiches were so good, we even busted out the panini press for em.

Ubuntu issues

We all know that Linux was invented in Canada. In Canada the adoption rate is at 99%. It is illegal to install anything else in most provinces. So...

What is with all the unpatriotic names for the versions?

Feisty Fawn? Gutsy Gibbon?

WTF!

Be Canadian and be proud of it.

Magnificent Moose
Brilliant Beaver
Amazing Armadillo

Etc.

Version Control System Manifesto

i) Never use a version control system that can't find unversioned files in O(1).
ii) Never use a closed source version control system.
iii) The best version control system always wins in a fight.
iv) Don't break the build. Ever.

Ideas on handling email

I work at a place that employs simpletons for mail server admins. I swear I have a 32k quota. Well maybe not that low but you get the picture? I was playing around with these things called 'folders' and 'rules'. If you are new to them, check them out.

I set up a 'rule' to move all email not sent to me directly to a bulk 'folder'. This was excellent. Then I noticed something: I rarely send email to myself. And therefore all email I send is not sent to me directly. So all email I sent ended up in the bulk folder and never made it to Flounder, Turtle and Daz. Oh wait. Turtle is me.

Review: Pirated American TV vs Pirated Canadian TV

As you know, I recently replaced my pirated Canadian satellite dish with pirated Comcast cable TV. I thought you all might be interested in a comparison:

Pirated Canadian Satellite	Pirated American Cable	Advantage
Is broadcast from the CN Tower, the highest building in the world	Is broadcast from some bullshit station in Diamond Heights, which isn't even a real place name	Pirated Canadian Satellite
Has 37 channels of Hockey	Has a bunch of bullshit	Pirated Canadian Satellite
News presenters properly pronounce "about" and properly end their sentences with "eh".	Is crap	Pirated Canadian Satellite
Had complete coverage of the moose drought of '07	Totally fucking sucks	Pirated Canadian Satellite

Yesterday

Yesterday, I drank lemonade and watched a Disney movie. I hope Lee doesn't find that offensive.

The phones at my workplace suck big time.
I think we need to replace the current ones with VG phones.
I get to make free phone calls to Canada.
And the revenue stream for VG goes up.It's a WIN-WIN situation.
I am going to recommend this in our next All-Hands meeting.

Dude! Smoked Meats!

Dude! When I listed the foods we eat at Canadian Thanksgiving, I totally spaced on smoked meats. Smoked meats rule.

Canadians were smoking their meats way before Americans did it.

Applying the principles of hockey to scrum

In life whenever I encounter a problem I need to solve I always ask myself 'How did they overcome this issue in hockey?'.

Today I spent 15 unproductive minutes listening to someone talk a lot about something in my scrum meeting. DUDE. SHUT UP! You are the only thing between me and a Holding Company burger.

So: how did hockey solve this problem? The power play of course. Ban the offender from the scrum for a day.

Tax Advice

Son of a bitch. I just learned about this:

http://www.bankrate.com/brm/itax/tips/20010223a.asp

That's total bullshit. In Canada the government guarantees that your stock won't drop below the price of a pint of Molson Ice, which is totally better because it encourages people to invest in the stock market. Also ice beer is awesome.

CMH Bud is a Lie

Flounder came down for Canadian Thanksgiving. He was all going on about his CMH (that's Canadian Ministry of Health, for you Americans) weed and how it was totally awesome and they give every citizen 3.5 grams (that's an eighth) every month. I tried some and it was fucking shite. It was like making love on a spice rack: fucking close to oregano.

Facts you probably didn't know about Canadian Thanksgiving

Facts you probably didn't know about Canadian Thanksgiving:

1. Canadian Thanksgiving began way before American Thanksgiving.


2. Canadian Thanksgiving is a three-day weekend and it's formally celebrated on the 2nd Monday of October.


3. That mean's I should really get a vacation day today.


4. The traditional food we eat includes poutine, maple syrup, and canadian bacon.

Thanksgiving Update

I love thanksgiving

Rules for Hackers

Dude, Ben Fry totally crossed a line. If we ever play hockey I'm going to fight him. He was trying to say all "oh, but you did it too," but dude, what the fuck? It's like, if I had a beer and then he asked if he could have a sip of it and I said ok, like that would be like what I did, because his computer was the beer and him leaving it unlocked was like me saying it was ok to have a sip. But what he did would be like if he had a beer that he was keeping in his fridge at home and then I just like took it and then hocked a big loogie into it and then like poured it on his dog or something, because my desk is like his fridge and then my monitor is his dog and the loogie is his fucking firewall rules and then the beer is ... bah, I got myself all confused.

He's a piece of shit, is what he is.

Dude

What the fuck?

Taking down the man

Helped someone burn a Linux install CD just now. Took me 1 hour to find a real sharpie. Fake sharpies suck so hard. Now I need to remember how I set up dual monitors. I think I burnt my notes to stop bfry hacking into the workstation.

Insider stock tip

Dude, I just got an insider stock tip that Oracle is going to buy BEA for $6.66 million dollars. What the hell? That's like 277 Subarus.